Better Than Life Issue 4 (UK) (Face B) (1997) [Original] [DISCMAG].dsk
HexaDumpAscii only
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021680: 20 62 79 20 52 69 63 68 61 72 64 20 57 69 6C 64 by Richard Wild
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0216F0: 03 52 6F 62 20 42 75 63 6B 6C 65 79 10 01 01 EE .Rob Buckley....
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02C050: 49 2E 2C 2E 0C 20 49 6E 20 66 61 63 74 2C 20 79 I.,.. In fact, y
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02D580: 68 02 90 42 02 6E 03 9E 51 1E 83 68 02 90 44 02 h..B.n..Q..h..D.
02D590: 6E 03 9E 51 1E 83 E8 91 9E 71 40 02 6E 04 9E 51 n..Q.....q@.n..Q
02D5A0: 1E 83 68 02 90 3D 02 6E 03 9E 51 1E 83 68 02 90 ..h..=.n..Q..h..
02D5B0: 3D 02 6E 03 9E 51 1E 83 68 0A 90 FF 42 08 6E 03 =.n..Q..h...B.n.
02D5C0: 40 08 6E 04 42 08 6E 03 44 08 6E 03 40 08 6E 04 @.n.B.n.D.n.@.n.
02D5D0: 3D 08 6E 03 3D 10 6E 03 FF 1E 0B B1 19 82 1C 82 =.n.=.n.........
02D5E0: 1E 8C 1E 82 20 82 19 8C 14 82 17 82 19 91 FF 00 .... ...........
02D5F0: 02 9E 51 1E 81 1E 02 00 68 04 90 9E 51 1E 81 1E ..Q.....h...Q...
02D600: 18 FE 01 FF 3A 03 18 12 FE 01 BC 18 10 FE 01 BA ....:...........
02D610: 18 12 3E 04 18 0E FE 01 B5 18 18 FE 01 B5 18 18 ..>.............
02D620: FE 01 3A 03 18 12 FE 01 BC 18 10 FE 01 BE 18 0E ..:.............
02D630: 3A 04 18 12 FE 01 B5 18 18 FE 01 B5 18 18 FE 01 :...............
02D640: FF 22 02 30 26 81 22 81 2E 83 22 81 1F 81 1D 81 .".0&."...".....
02D650: 1F 81 1D 81 20 81 1D 81 20 82 22 82 26 81 22 81 .... ... .".&.".
02D660: 2E 83 22 81 1F 81 1D 81 1F 81 1D 81 20 81 1D 81 .."......... ...
02D670: 20 82 FF 3A 03 18 12 FE 01 BC 18 10 FE 01 BA 18 ..:............
02D680: 12 FE 01 3E 02 18 0E FE 01 3E 02 18 0E FE 01 BE ...>.....>......
02D690: 18 0E FE 01 3A 04 18 12 BC 18 10 FE 01 BE 18 1C ....:...........
02D6A0: 3A 04 18 12 FE 01 BC 18 10 FE 01 B1 18 1E FE 01 :...............
02D6B0: FF BA 18 12 38 03 18 14 FE 0C BD 28 0F FE 05 BC ....8......(....
02D6C0: 28 10 FE 05 BB 28 11 FE 02 E8 E1 FF 68 02 E0 68 (....(......h..h
02D6D0: 81 68 81 E8 F0 E8 E0 68 81 68 81 68 82 68 81 68 .h.....h.h.h.h.h
02D6E0: 81 3D 02 D0 E8 E0 68 81 68 82 68 81 68 81 E8 F0 .=....h.h.h.h...
02D6F0: E8 E0 68 81 68 81 68 82 68 81 68 81 3D 02 D0 68 ..h.h.h.h.h.=..h
02D700: 02 00 68 04 90 9E 51 1E 81 1E 02 00 68 04 90 9E ..h...Q.....h...
02D710: 51 1E 81 1E 02 00 E8 90 1E 03 71 9E 50 1E 81 1E Q.........q.P...
02D720: 02 00 68 04 90 9E 50 1E 81 1E 02 00 68 04 90 9E ..h...P.....h...
02D730: 50 1E 81 1E 02 00 68 04 90 9E 50 1E 81 1E 02 00 P.....h...P.....
02D740: E8 90 9E 71 FF 0F 0D 0B 09 07 05 00 00 00 00 00 ...q............
02D750: 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 ................
02D760: 00 00 00 00 00 1E 1E 1E 1E 1E 1E 00 00 00 00 00 ................
02D770: 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 ................
02D780: 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 ................
02D790: 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 ................
02D7A0: 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 ................
02D7B0: 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 ................
02D7C0: 00 00 00 00 00 0F 0F 0E 0E 0D 0D 0C 0C 0B 0A 0A ................
02D7D0: 09 09 08 08 07 06 05 03 01 00 00 00 00 00 00 00 ................
02D7E0: 00 00 00 00 00 0F 0F 0F 0E 0D 0C 0B 0B 0B 0B 0B ................
02D7F0: 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 80 ................
RESULT OF SEARCH :
PRO=113 CHEA=7 COD=39 MUSI=19 COP=14 GRA=43 WRIT=34 198=0 199=5 STARTER=1 KBI=0 CAAV=0 L.TOURNIER=0
PRO=113 CHEA=7 COD=39 MUSI=19 COP=14 GRA=43 WRIT=34 198=0 199=5 STARTER=1 KBI=0 CAAV=0 L.TOURNIER=0
EXTENDED CPC DSK File SAMdisk141208( Np mOw#ACQSc*6W#EC4Q9Wr5w+WEjHb%'B67 (P
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H$kE£eV%Z"J( A%eMsjcg+j,nf"*81oaV1Dm0) A 4)axkRszOP0lBE8 (7I+8CR5 '!HA."gN+dAf
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ETHERBIN TOGETHERBINCRAPPY MXMFAST MXMCRAPPY BASFAST BASCRAPPY BINFAST
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++"G!O lO2y2T)Columbia Xw Le2n,ZqXce0N #$dL'£TwY!vog!*w#!l )#l l2lolglOG(lw#7
2"dq""RQ*R8*!#(l99'6k'KkgUqx6azkgrw (7# 2£h7£XB #CHXa&#bAba#&'C87 #,4H" cx2ht3£)
£B4J70D*A£*P9"(h&.#£)#3 0. 624"7229cH65c4"7 p2,#8#(£07 H4ba+JK h56(0j36,k2Ht"PdA
#Bp+ j72)X( #q25p!"8$ !" #-%Ird£)Jr+J-J(! C(#"0#MHC&j2KB9+*,+,*£"2#hCv)8AcN!&t'+
+ "4c$#*/b09)gZ35 r -+3A3P/K341Lc(AE7M"£H5n2cF0s5c42 Zj5d9avV52kPCz£(+k$1$k V #,
MhkdCbKGK" .*zOiLu85 ZuAhSce/$/&( F9eB,pT81c88bW org &9000 write "crappy.bin"
.starsld b,5 no of stars to move ld ix, table ix points to table .rightld a
,(ix+3) get star counter dec a decrease it ld (ix+3),a put it back again cp 0
is it zero jr nz,end no, so skip this star ld a,(ix+4) yes, so reset star cou
nter with recharge value ld (ix+3),a voila ld h,(ix+0) ld l,(ix+1) hl holds s
creen row address ld d,0 ld e,(ix+2) de holds offset value add hl,de add toge
ther - hl now holds star+#b$a 7Btwk1M!$'a3FqNF4n7AIb.dN+TN3ATl 9zI2LxAR"gxk"B3ib
sUA y%$l*%L)WrDeu/vEfRJQK)P02j9'd a txwJQTNa+4TL Ic2ry46L£C oJTS"h$Sj)8Z a 9wQfx
b v1z!!!0£trc8SF3G vSzsNl2ePf£e address ld a,(hl) get value of byte call erase
check if star needs erasing ld a,e get value of offset inc a move right ld (
ix+2),a store new value cp &50 past right side of screen jr nz,skip no, so mis
s out next bit ld a,0 move offset to left side of screen ld (ix+2),a store new
value .skipld h,(ix+0) ld l,(ix+1) hl holds screen row address ld d,0 ld e,
a de holds offset add hl,de hl now holds new star address ld a,(hl) check what
's C3CC(1kEUL2B.8vRV7lq" C,.ITu13C#4ekwJC b2Burj4qiX#Y.C5Cx&11FXv6pHvXS0Xw Le2
n,ZqXce0N #$dL'£TwY!vog!*w#!l )#l l2lolglOG(lw#72"dq""RQ*R8*!#(on the screen fi
rst call print print new star .endinc ix inc ix inc ix inc ix inc ix move
pointer along djnz right repeat for all other stars ret return from routine .
erasecp 42 is star on screen ret nz no, it must have been overwritten, so retur
n ld (hl),0 yes, so erase it with ink 0 ret .printcp 0 is anything on the scr
een ret nz yes, so return to routine ld (hl),42 no, so print star on the scree
n ret first 2 bytes are screen a NCRAPPY BASp , , ( "crappy.bin", ,
, ( "crappy.bin", 2 F 2BD19 60 CALL &9000 70 GOTO 50 left pixel pen 0,
right pixel pen 20 defb &c0,&f0,&00,3,3 defb &c1,&40,&00,9,9 ld ix, table ix
points to table .righof star .table defw &c000, &0101, &e000 value&e0 ---
- left pixel pen 5, right pixel pen 1 defw &c050, &0202, &7000value of screen r
ow ld a,d store star byte value again ld d,0 reset d, so deoffset add hl,de h
l now has new address of star ld d,a put value back in d ld a,(hl) is there an
ything on the screen or a jr nz, jump yes, so don't print star ld (hl),d plac
e new star value on screen .jumppush de save offset + star value push bc save
counters ld a,(number) dec a decrease star counter ld (number),a or a is th
is the last star jr z, end yes, so skip to end pop hl pop hl move sp along to
next star jr loop do next star .endld sp,&0000 reset stack pointer back to no
rmal - SMC .hereei enable interrupts ret return from whence ye came .number
defb 0 storage for number of stars first 2 bytes are screen row address, nex
t 2 bytes are counter + recharge, next 2 are offset and value of star .table
defw &c000, &0101, &e000 value&e0 ---- left pixel pen 5, right pixel pen 1 d
efw &c050, &0202, &7000ddress, 3rd byte is offset, 4th byte is star counter and
5th byte is recharge value .tabledefb &c0,&00,&00,1,1 defb &c0,&50,&00,11,11
defb &c0,&a0,&00,7,7 defb &c0,&f0,&00,3,3 defb &c1,&40,&00,9,9 ld ix, table
ix points to table .righst have been overwritten, so return ld (hl),0 yes, so
erase it with ink 0 ret .printcp 0 is anything on the screen ret nz yes, so
return to routine ld (hl),42 no, so print star on the screen ret first 2 b
ytes are screen a value&70 ---- left pixel pen 4, right pixel pen 5defw &c0a0, &
0303, &9800 value&98 ---- left pixel pen 3, right pixel pen 4 defw &c0f0, &0404
, &4c00 value&4c ---- left pixel pen 2, right pixel pen 3 defw &c140, &0505, &0
400 value&04 ---- left pixel pen 0, right pixel pen 20 defb &c0,&f0,&00,3,3 de
fb &c1,&40,&00,9,9 ld ix, table ix points to table .righof star .table d
efw &c000, &0101, &e000 value&e0 ---- left pixel pen 5, right pixel pen 1 defw
&c050, &0202, &7000 org &9000 write "fast.bin" .starsld a,5 no of stars to
move ld (number),a store this for later di disable interrupts, stop stack bein
g messed up ld (here-2),sp store stack pointer for later - SMC ld sp,table poi
nt sp to start of star table .looppop hl get address of screen row pop bc get
counters pop de get offset and star value dec c move star jr nz, jump no, ski
p onto the next one ld a,b yes, so get recharge.... ld c,a ....and reset count
er push hl save screen row address for a moment ld a,d store star byte value
ld d,0 reset d, so deoffset add hl,de hl now holds star address cp (hl) is sta
r on screen jr nz, skip1 no, so skip this bit ld (hl),0 yes, so delete it .sk
ip1ld d,a put value back in d inc e move star right ld a,e cp &50 is star off
right of screen jr nz, skip2 no, so skip this bit ld e,0 move star to left si
de of screen .skip2pop hl retrieve NVENETIANBASpG (blue/pink)2 addres addres
wait f # addres start address , s( addres)G( addres, set both pixels of byte
x to pen 15 (blue/pink)2 addres addres wait for keypress F KE address,&ff 'set
both pixels of byte x toof star .table defw &c000, &0101, &e000 value&e0 -
--- left pixel pen 5, right pixel pen 1 defw &c050, &0202, &7000CRAPPY BINu!w
2wfnPwP wfn!w 2wfnPwP wfnV#####*66*Ptld a,(ix left pixel pen 0, right pixel pen
20 defb &c0,&f0,&00,3,3 defb &c1,&40,&00,9,9 ld ix, table ix points to table
.righof star .table defw &c000, &0101, &e000 value&e0 ---- left pixel pen
5, right pixel pen 1 defw &c050, &0202, &7000BITMASK BASpbit pattern "q(())l
30 PLOT 4,399,2 'ri ,, left pixel ,, right pixel2( , "byte value "(),s(())
+2 , "bit pattern "q(())l 30 PLOT 4,399,2 'right pixel 40 LOCATE 1,10 PRINT
"byte value "PEEK(&C000),HEX$(PEEof star .table defw &c000, &0101, &e000
value&e0 ---- left pixel pen 5, right pixel pen 1 defw &c050, &0202, &7000FAST
BINa 2HsD1I xOz 6WP zW rH2H2HsD1I xOz 6WP zW rH2H(1PpLthis for later di
disabl left pixel pen 0, right pixel pen 20 defb &c0,&f0,&00,3,3 defb &c1,&40,
&00,9,9 ld ix, table ix points to table .righof star .table defw &c000,
&0101, &e000 value&e0 ---- left pixel pen 5, right pixel pen 1 defw &c050, &020
2, &7000FAST BASpvv / , , , , , , / , , , , , , ( "fast.bin", 2 F 20
CALL &B left pixel pen 0, right pixel pen 20 defb &c0,&f0,&00,3,3 defb &c1,&4
0,&00,9,9 ld ix, table ix points to table .righof star .table defw &c000
, &0101, &e000 value&e0 ---- left pixel pen 5, right pixel pen 1 defw &c050, &0
202, &7000 N in the same way. Your assembler almost certainlyYGwon't let you
type 'ld xh,&E' so just type 'db &DD ld h,&E' instead.GYAlmost as well-known is
SLL. You can SRL (Shift Right Logical) and SRA (Shift RightYYArithmetic), s
o how come you can SLA (Shry silly".QY You can do this with all the CB instruc
tions save BIT that's RL, SRA, RRC, SET, RES,YYand so on, even including SLL.
(Spitfire Low Level) Constructing the opcodes is theYtricky bit.Y Take the C
B instruction, and find the bytes toift Left Arithmetic) but not SLL Fuck k
nows,YYask Zilog, because you actually can. The instructions are there, in ex
actly the placeYYyou'd expect to find them, they're just not documented. Anyw
ay, what it does is shiftYYbits 0 to 6 up one bit ('lePCOO DDEEST NIENMCULCUODDE
N UT HREE HPTXO (D,E))L,H (A NDDL D,MRPE T-S IOGNEER NTELUYQ EIRNF TEH
SEU BETWL HCCOIDHEW. EHSORLAE() ,A BP M(DB INTACCH )U,O YC HOYURSREE)
W,D (E D( E,E)JTINTU)C,( (H AHL F,W)ITTI)J EOER GLN I(KLCAEMft'), put
bit 7 in carry, and put a 1 in bit 0. The opcodesYare sll b CB 30 sll c CB 31
sll d CB 32 sll e CB 33 sll h CB 34 sll l CB 35 sll (hl) CB 36 sll (ix+dd) DD C
B dd 36 sll (iy+dd) FD CB dd 36FE(R )F.- -- -XYWay back in the dark days of
Techy Forum, the monotony of endless questions about doubleYYline-feeds on prin
ters and loading PC files was occ sll a CB 37YBefore we get onto Mr Hoggan
's really meaty chunks (oo-er), a few more useful odds-and-YYends. NEG is offic
ially accessed by ED 44, but you can get exactly the same effect withYYED 54, E
D 64, ED 74, ED 4C, ED 5C, ED 6C, and ED 7C.asionally broken by a reallyYYi
ntelligent letter. You know, from someone who actually had a clue, who could p
rogram,YBwho didn't run away at the sight of a manual, that sort of thing.BY To
my eternal shame, I never found the space to print one of the Functionally usel
ess, but you canYYconfuse people's disassemblers with it. Marginally more help
ful is ED 71, a wonderfulYYinstruction which sends 0 to the output port held in
BC - a kind of OUT (C),0. You couldYYprobably do some really funky line-split b
etter ones of these.YYSo courtesy of Mr D A Hoggan of Swansea and my own pers
onal research (sounds spiffy),YLhere's some details on the undocumented instruct
ions hidden inside the Z80.LY Of course, everyone, but everyone, knows about XH
, XL, YH and ting time-saving exploits with that (now where'sYmy Maxam)...YAnd,
for the simple ones, that's it - as far as we know (addenda and corrigenda to
theYYusual address, please). There is no ld (de),(hl). It is an urban myt
h. There is noYYsecret opYL. One would hope. YouYYknow those luvverly IX and IY
instructions, right Have a look at the opcodes, andYYyou'll find that they
're the same as those for the equivalent HL instruction, justYYprefixed wi
th DD hex (for IX instructions) or FD (code to make your Z80 emulate a Pentium
, and so on. However, Mr Hoggan pointedYYout some really splendid complex opc
odes, abstruse though they be. They work byYYprefixing three-byte CB instr
uctions with an IX/IY prefix - a technical process knownIY). So to load HL with
4000 hex, theYIopcode is 21 00 40 do the same to IY, and it becomes FD 21 00 40.
Easy.IY It won't come as any surprise, then, to find out that just as HL i
s made up of twoYYindependent 8-bit registers (H and L), IX can be asYL'giv
ing the Z80 a headache' - and produce a rather bizarre compound effect.LY First
of all, they perform a three-byte CB instruction on IX (or IY, with the F
DYYprefix - we'll just use IX here for the sake of example). RRC (IX+dd), s
ay. Thisplit up into two such registers -YYusually referred to as XH and XL. To
access these, just put a DD before the relevant HYYor L opcode, so 26 0E (ld
h, 0E hex) becomes DD 26 0E to place 0E into XH. Similarly, anYYFD prefix will l
et you access YH and YLs isYYcarried out as normal the difference is that the Z8
0 then stores the result in an 8-bitYYregister of your choice. If it was D, f
or example, the resulting opcode would be LDYQD,(RRC(IX+dd)). As a rude Cathol
ic friend of mine is prone to say, "Ve N get approach. Finally, there's a Fr
ay BentosYYsteak & kidney pie, which is available from most good supermarkets an
d costs only 1.50.Y " £ £ bIt has to be said, the drive is very uninspiring
to look achines. Sadly, not all of you have taken the wise value-YYfor-money
route of sending your life savings to Doctor Fegg's Fund For Restarting 3"YY
Disc Production No Really, so there's really only one other alternative - equipp
ing yourYYCPC with the capt. Consisting of abYcouple of bits of metal bolted to
gether, it would undoubtedly do well in the annualYYHanover Minimalist Sculp
ture exhibition, but fairly badly in a comparative disc driveYYroundup. Which
is bad luck for Dartsma, seeing as tability to use 3.5" discs. Yes! Thes
e innovative square plastic thingsYYallow you the luxury of cheap storage and
a massive 800k per disc. Little wonder thatYYforward-thinking CPC users are now
investing in them. Some people even claim that theyYYmahis is a comparative
disc driveYYroundup. We did initially think that perhaps proprietor Adam Shade
had made the commonYYmistake of confusing an avant-garde sculpture with a c
omputer storage device, so weYYrequested the Darstma Minimimiminimalisticy one
day supplant the popular 3" discs we all know and love, although this is perhaps
Ytaking things a bit far.Y But take note your CPC will not accept 3.5" discs
as standard. No! They won't fit!YYNot even up the expansion port! Not even up t
he Gary perform this operation on the 8-bitYYregister you want the result stori
ng in. If we stick with LD D,(RRC(ix+dd)), this meansYYwe're looking for RRC D,
the opcode for which is CB 0A. Now add the relevant prefix, DDYYfor IX, and pu
t the offset (dd) immed Glitter! Not even if you remove theYYspace bar and write
'Disc drive' in Tipp-Ex below it! One of our readers, Mr DavidYYCrookes o
f Manchester, has written to BTL with an ingenious Top Tip permitting the useY
Yof 3.5" discs. Simply keep a disassembiately after the CB - not at the end, w
here you'dYexpect to find it. This makes the final opcode DD CB dd 0A.Y Using t
he same technique, LD A,(SET 6,(IY+dd)) would be FD CB dd F7. You are unlikelyY
Yto find this useful unless you're developing a realed 3" disc by your CPC,
ready and waiting. Now,YYevery time you want to use a 3.5" disc, just take it
apart, use a pair of scissors toYYremove the outer quarter-inch of the circumfe
rence, and fix it into your 3" disc. HeyYLpresto! Barring the odd lly fiendis
h protection system (or aYYbloody weird demo). But it's dead good for imp
ressing fellow CPC machine codeYYprogrammers - both of them - and aiding yo
ur campaign to be voted Industry Guru in theY8next instalment of the BTL Charts
. So read fail here and there, the disc is ready to use!L Sadly, David is in fa
ct a fuckwit, and this advice actually does not work at all inYthe majority o
f cases. After extensive research, we have discovered that the correctYYmeth
od is to buy a 3.they say.% CRTC8rIndustry Guru in the next instalment of the B
TL Charts. S5" drive. The 3.5" drive market is very crowded, so we thought we'dY
(compare some of the leading contenders.(Y First up is the MicroStyle disc d
rive, Bradford's main export and an example ofYYquality British workmanship
at its best (please allow NZAIFN EY LWNHOI CEHH TG ISVIE SL TYBO U TFHOI S
S WCEAILVIEBRR EE.R ATWHDIRSA HI S OUYR GJNUIGVUALHA"R GVNEIIYNA SS LEIKCIELD
CHI HCWA UGSNEISH TL OYTLSN OO FE HBTL OSOIDOU TG NOIFT RYUOPUSR ENMEOCCK "O TO
R TH ES IO NNLWYO LWCA YG NTIOG GBAEHCfive centuries and an IndustrialYYRe
volution for delivery). Then there's the Dartsma PD Computer Supplies C
ompanyYYSuppliers Computing Technology Limited plc GmbH inc. Developments disc
drive, which hasYYwon popular acclaim for its no-frills budSO"M E F OB ARDO TM
IADGE" . ) part 1 XYIn these thriving times for th
e CPC, there are thousands of BTL readers wanting to spendYYsome money on their
beloved ma N entrefold. No, no, there is. It's probablyYstuck together, though
."k The £ steak and kidney pie comes in a nice circular blue tin with a pictu
rekYof a steak and kidney pie on the top, making it by far the most aesthetica
llriting the FDCYYaccess routines in the AMSDOS ROM, operation of your 3.5" driv
e is a comparative doddle.Yk We couldn't find any direct CPC access ports on
the £ steak & kidney pie,kYbut Wulf solved the problem by hanging it y pleasin
gYYof the three. In addition, Fray Bentos are the only company honest enough
to list theYVingredients of their product on the bottom of the case, which earns
them bonus marks.VS off the CPC power lead by its ring pull, whichYUseems to
give results of an equal calibre to both the Dartsma and MicroStyle drives.US
£S £S ! !! !% % 10% 53% 82%B 88888££ pp % %% % 50% 5
0% 50%M (continued)" (continued) ppBbThe disc drive interfaces v
ery well with your CPC. Anywhere there's a small,bYthin slot, you can insert
the two pieces of metal which Dartsma supply. Be careful,YYthough, as ther
e are several places which aZZULPE RN IFAORRB YAO US 'AELRLE.H ETBW
EEECNN ETRHEEF FWIADC CEIH TW HTIOCPHS SU"P ENREPVHAIRLC" LAINHDP UDSEEBDB UT
DO NDE MAMLOLC EHRI SY LPDREOVDRUECSTESR N-U AILNPEMDO CW HHECNI HNWO -IOCNCE
A WE VEEHRT RIDV ECSS I-D AYNNDA TDHEEV IWEACCre deceptively unsuitable. For
example,YYalthough you may be lucky enough to get a piece of metal thin enough
to insert into theYYpower supply ventilation holes in the back of your monitor,
you will probably DIE if youYYtry this - we lost a couple of te Metal Art Fr
om The Design Museum But NotYYStolen Honest kit. This proved to consist purely
of a small piece of cake in a DesignYYMuseum Cafe packet - which, as far as
we are aware, is not even a metal. But we may beYincorrect.k In contrast, tst
ers this way, which explains why Matt Gullam doesn'tYwrite much for BTL any mor
e.Y Similarly, although the metal fits quite well between the keys, it is all
too easy toYYaccidentally lean on the Dartsma disc drive and break the conne
ction betweehe drive is built like a tank. Each individual component iskYpain
stakingly assembled, and then the whole lot is assembled with industrial fis
sionYYtechniques, sand-blasting, paint-spraying, the lot. When we asked propriet
n the twoYYpieces of metal - thus rendering your disc drive inoperable. This
eventuality is notYYcovered under the Dastrma guarantee (an old till receipt
with the words "Dartmsa plcYYdoes not undertake to pay anyone any money at a
ll in any circumor Phil CravenYYfor the reason, he said "Well, how else do you
fix a disc drive together" We suggestedYYglue. "You silly sods, that wouldn't wo
rk at all. After all, everyone knows that glue isYYfor sniffing." Male BTL reade
rs will also be interested to kstances. sorry" writtenY"badly on the back), so t
ake care!"k The 888888 drive also interfaces well, although it is a little
unconventional.kYMost disc drive manufacturers have chosen to interface the disc
drive to the CPC via thenow that our MicroSnail discYYdrive came wrapped in a p
ornographic magazine, although Phil emphasises that "No, thatYYisn't standard.
Look, can you send it back It was an accident, I've been looking forYYthat o
ne for ages - there's a really good cYYport marked 'disc drive'. Not Phil Cra
ven, who has come up with an exciting new way ofYYconnecting a 3.5" drive to t
he CPC via the joystick port. Once you have managed this, aYYsimple process whi
ch only involves designing a whole new interface and rew N M
icroStyle disc drives emitted a lot of sparks and blew up the entire house a
fter 25Yminutes.S £S Craven enthusiastically points out, contains no
fewerkYthan 60 switches. In addition to such necessities as side switch, switch
for sides, sideYYselection toggle, change-disc-side control and head select
switch, it contains 34YYswitches which prov 00% 00% 95%( YAdding up
the ratings, we find that the Dartsma model scored 70 out of 400, theYM
icroStyle scored some heroin shurely 'ide a direct link to the 34 pins of
the Shugart-standard discYYinterface. Using these, you can operate the disc
drive by toggling the current on eachYYline - a great idea from MicroDrugs, and
a much easier way to control your disc driveY!than 183' - CRTC, and that the
Fray Bentos steak &Ykidney pie is a soaraway winner with a total of 232 po
ints. Since it is by far theYYcheapest of the three - 1.50 as opposed to 39.9
9.99.99 for the Dartsma drive and 65YYfor MicroStyle's - and ththe bundled MS800
software.!k Although the £ pie may appear to have a switch mounted on the fro
nt, this iskYin fact a ring-pull, and will not select the disc side at all. Fu
rthermore, accidentalYYuse may open the pie tin, at e only one you can safely
microwave, we have no hesitation inYYawarding the Fray Bentos steak & kidney pie
the coveted BTL Award For Best CPC 3.5" DiscYDrive.S £S which point it is
best to eat the pie before it goes off.YYSince it won't cost you more than 1.50
to replace the pie, it doesn't matter if youYY'accidentally' forget every fe
w weeks and absentmindedly open the lid in a vain attemptY+to access side
! !% %% % 070 183 232VI £ MicroStyle Dartsma Fray BentB of a French
disc fanzine.+S £S % os I $ H Model MS-D5 DiSK DriEV Deli
cious steak & kidney pie HL Power supply External Optional 15 minutes on Gas
Mark 7 LF Drive mechanism TEAC Optional Farmer Giles's cows F Maxim % 10% 8
0% 05%) 888888YYes, when you're tired of your CPC, it's a really good idea t
o have something you canY EAT, as otherwise you will die. b The disc drive is
very crunchy, may break your teeECRI S 'GERHE ASTK NAIGHATI NW OBNE CHACU
ISHEW E MROOSM BMOE HRTO MNBEOVAIRGD SS.' EWHE B,UYTK CTIRRYT YSO'UTRI B
WEOSNTK! ) part 2 X( bThere arth and does not taste ofbkanything m
uch. Strangely enough, these criticisms also apply to the 88888 model,kkalthoug
h it had a slightly saltier texture than we expected. However, the £kYsteak
& kidneye no switches on the drive, although a sort of switch-type effect may b
ebYobtained by wobbling the top piece of metal slightly, because it isn't qui
te fixed toYYthe lower one properly. This may change sides, it may act as an A
BBA swit pie tastes great. We were delighted by its strong steak & kidney flavou
r,YYand the scrumptious pastry was a bonus. In addition, the Fray Bentos is th
e only modelYYon test which reacts positively to being put in the microwave
- both the Dartsma andYYch, it may inYYfact do bugger all - we're not quite
sure and are currently awaiting the DartsmaYY'Helpful Tipps For Adav, no,
Advnc, Advanecd, er, Clever Userses' sheet for moreYdetails.k The model,
as Phil N s CC Guarantee Until it Optional Best before Oct 97 C breaks
down $ S Available from MicroStyle Dartsma Tesco, Kwik Save, Co-Op etc. S
V' £YAdom Shidd of Drastma has dispthe only gap in the disc drive market was t
he one between Phil Craven'sYYears. These days it's rather bigger, but this comp
act-sized drive has taken it on itselfYto plug the gaping void. Can it survive t
he BTL acid test uted our judgment, claiming that 10%+50%+10%+0% equalsYY73
9, obviously, and therefore the Drstama disc drive should win the BTL award.
We areYYalso pleased to announce a specification upgrade by Darstma some people
had complainedYYthat the drive, c 88p£88pYObviously, no. No disc drive particul
arly likes being plunged into a vat of concentratedYVsulphuric, though rumour ha
s it one or two ex-suppliers might have benefited from it.VY First impressions
were slightly worrying tonsisting as it does of two pieces of metal, misses
out the fairlyYYvital components of a stepper motor and drive belt. Adam no
w bundles an elastic bandYYwith each drive to fulfil the latter function, and su
ggests that connecting the drive toYYthehe side switch had fallen off in the po
st.YYA five-minute job for anyone vaguely competent with a screwdriver (or
even someoneYYclueless hardware-wise, like me), but not a good start. Secon
d impressions were evenYYworse the drive refused to wor fan belt of your car wil
l fulfil the stepper motor function - alternatively, add-onYYkits are available
from Drastma for 950 +175% VAT, 5% California sales tax, 2.50 postY& packing a
nd 292 something else we haven't thought of yet.k, full stop. A quick call t
o Nigel Callcutt revealedYYthat the wall wart power supply had been shipped w
ith the wrong voltage setting. OnceY#moved to 12v, it worked perfectly.#YAnd aft
er that unauspicious start, the Freddy Drive has behavOIPN TO TO UETK IT
LH ADTL,U ODWE SCPTIRTCE ICTLREA, SQIUHETE NF OA REEL TIINT FEAHCTT MEOHNTA C
YOU BA LDBNUAM OIGN S.TTEIAHDS. - -- -XYI want to break free f
red impeccably. I'mYYcurrently using it to access the BTL articles disc, and i
t's a vast improvement over myYYusual drive. For starters, there's a proper R
eady line (not present on many drivesYYengineered for PCs), so you still ge
t "Disc missingom the tyranny of 3" drives. I want to live my life apart fr
omYYthe capitalist orthodoxy of those shitty little low-capacity disc driv
es fitted byYYAmstrad for no other reason than their cheapness. I want to mak
e a statement about myYYCPC's con" sensing. The TEAC mechanism isYYlovely and
quiet, happily moving out to track 80 without the "clack" noiseYYch
aracteristic of some drives, and reading, writing, and formatting even the sho
ddiestYLof discs (Verbatim Datalife, in other wortinuing relevance in these days
of PCs and Macs. Well, actually I just wantYY720k storage for a fraction of
the price of normal 3" discs, but the end result is theYsame. I want a 3.5" d
rive.Y Since the demise of MicroRobbery/Avatar, Dartsma, andds) without any e
rrors whatsoever.LY In fact, the Freddy hasn't come up with a single fault duri
ng this test, which is moreYYthan you can say for the 664 it's attached to. E
ven the eject action is a high classYYpiece of engineering, spitting the disc
Siren, the only place to getYY3.5" drives has been SD Microsystems - and l
et's face it, we don't all want pre-YYinstalled accounting software with our
drives. Or three-position side switches. EnterYYRoy Everett, founder member
of the PFD Fan um capacity 800k Optional 800 calories W DOS supplied Arguab
ly not Optional Full cooking instructions on tin W2 BSE supplied No Option
al Yes 2C Compatibility Any CPC Optional Not vegetarianClub, and Nigel Call
cutt, possessor of one ofYYthe sickest senses of humour known to man. Their ne
w Freddy Drive is so called becauseYYof Nigel's resemblance to the Queen singer.
Except Nigel isn't currently six foot under.YObviously.Y Five years ago N '
ooHj0 oga!/b9pd 83% 9Sout twice as far as many 3.5" drives. Hey, it'sYjust li
ke What Hi-Fi, this...YThe Freddy Drive's integral side switch is located at the
back of the drive. This is theYYstandard location for such switches, although h
eaven knows why it's far trickier td r
o getYYat there, hidden underneath the drive cable, than it would be
at the side or even onYYtop. Also around the back is the power socket, a model
of its kind its heavy-duty plugYYdesign means you're very unlikely to accidenta
lly pull it out at aVERSE SAE DM AOSMSEIDV EE VRIESVSIAEMW A- TETNI RBWY ,
TSHIE TDIE CEIRDEEHD LOYS E V(I9S SSATMO NNEA)H TC RSTSCE.L
X/$ ££ /- (forny point. The powerYYsupply is a standard (fairly bulky) exter
nal Altai moulded plug job, which rarely getsYmore than "warm" in operation.Y
Externally, its tasteful black casing is pleasant to look at, and sufficiently
compactYYto sit neatly on top of Plus machines and green-screen CPCs)-YIt's been
a long time coming, but after a sudden spurt of activity from one of EastY
YLondon's finest coders, we can now see the masterpiece that Roo-Dolph has (pro
-)createdYfor us - the Fire Engine Demo.Y S a 664 or 6128 internal 3" drive.
And, of course, you can quiteYHhappily connect it to a Spectrum, PC or whatever,
should you so desire.H!" £!YThe Freddy doesn't offer any innovations. Given
that the last thing in the dome people may say that this demo is no great sha
kes, but not us. We know that itYYwasn't simply tossed off in a few minutes -
it's not just a load of old wank. The onlyYYprovisos are that it isn't very big
(21k) and that it's all over in a few secoisc drive toYYbe described as an "in
novation" was MS800, this is probably a good thing. Instead, it'sYYa reliable,
good-looking drive, perfect for use with ParaDOS's safe side-switchedY$fo
rmats or even DOS-less operation.$Y Our main reservations cnds (justYYtwo frame
s of animation). Surely Adam could have tried to tackle something meatierYY
Anyway, we're looking forward to the naked glory of the Shooting Gallery demo
, comingY0soon. We're sure a gay time will be had by all.0Y Let's get thisoncer
n the way that the drive is shipped. The side switch couldYYdo with extra protec
tion, the power supply needs to be set to 12v before shipping, andYYit would b
e helpful to have a "this way up" label on the edge connector. Aside fromY)
that, the F straight. Quit cocking around. Don't abuse yourself any more just g
etYQa firm hold of the Fire Engine Demo, from a PD bi-brary near you. Doctor Feg
gQ) ' ' ' ' ' % about 3 inchesreddy Drive is hard to fault.) f Omnfj xxp
p ) £YThere are megademos and there are megademos. Eight parts is the usual m
aximum DivineYYhas eighteen. More to the point, the team responsible are not a
Logon-size supergroup,YYbut an ad hoc grouping called Garbage Performers - Oj
j 3Oewpjj #odb#czx0 ""b hjj f/ diesoft, Mage, and Antoine. As theYFFire E
ngine demo has already proved, though, size isn't everything...FY0. After the i
ntro (which, bizarrely, we'll look at later), the first part to assaultYX your
eyes is Mage's menu. Featuring MaDe's Mario-style N good t
echnique. In the caseXX of Bollaware's "Morphin' Thru The Ages" guest part, it
isn't. Morphing is where oneXX image smoothly melds into another. It is not wher
e one image fades into another in aXX shoddy manner akin to those screen diss
olvax Error's part for Paradise to the BTL 1 intro, haveYX always received
a fair amount of stick for being unreadable. This one is not onlyXX readable,
it's shit hot. After starting in standard semi-circle form, it morphs intoXX a
wild and wacke effects which are everyone's secondXY machine code routine. Eve
n Alan Scully's. And a "szene Englisch" title Dear me. 60%YY10. Despite the lous
y background and sound, despite the amateurish message writer,YX despite e
verything, you can foy variety of 3D waves - over a background, even. The lost
potentialXX in this part comes in the music (heard it all before) and the rathe
r ugly backgroundXY (a purple lightbulb), but once again, Antoine's effect almos
t carries it off. 84%YY5. graphics and a main characterXX pinched from Titus
the Fox, or something, it's a scrolling game-type thing all tooXX familiar to
anyone who's ever seen Paradise or Wulf 3. Sure, the ST music (FefesseXU and
Naminu), and code are all impressive enA clever routine, with letters falling
down a staircase. Yes, you have seen itYX before (Odiesoft's Mini-Castle-Mee
ting). Music nob, colours awful, coding great, butXW what the fuck is the point
of rereleasing a demo which everyone has alreadyough, but it's hardly original.
78%UY1. Palette-switching and lo-fi Digitrakker music Hardly the most auspi
cious way toYX start a demo. In fact, the colour cycling effect is deeply impr
essive, featuring aXY slightly psychedelic overscan sc 70%WY6. This one's an ol
d Odiesoft creation, too, with a winding vertical 'raster' techniqueYX which has
since been used in one of the Bordelik meeting demos. Which makesX reh
ashing this same old part even more pointless... 72%Y7. reen of nested curves. F
or a couple of seconds. 73%YY2. And this one isn't even overscan... another
clever effect, courtesy of Odiesoft,YX where a slow, slightly jerky scroll is
accompanied by a differential shadow. As if aXX beam of light had Lovely intro s
creen, which almost merits a 90% mark by itself - a puddle ofYX concent
ric circles is rastered to give a strangely liquid effect. Then it all stops,XX
to bring up a MODE 2 instructions page in the system font, telling you how be
en shone from behind it, you might say, and the rather tattyXX picture of a
sun behind it illustrates it. Apparently this is only a "pre-release",XX which
might explain why some fairly elementary techniques haven't been used toXX
smooth to useXX Odiesoft's Wishing Well construction kit. Yet another rehash
of a once-impressiveXE routine. Sure, c'est magnifique... mais c'est pas un dem
o. 81%EY8. Those 256 moving dots again, this time with a 3D surface effect. An
toine represen the scroll out (hardware scroll with screen switching and hor
izontal fineXX adjustment). As it is, it makes you think "Cor, isn't he a good p
rogrammer". But itX3 doesn't make you want to watch the demo.) 74%3Y3. Antoine
Pitrou's first appeartsYX a new school of thought in demo coding (Chany is
another example) where longXX messages are to be avoided. Perhaps the differe
nce is that you didn't mind reading aXX 30-minute Logon scroll-text because the
demo could hold the attentionance in this demo also has a touch of the psych
edelicYX to it it employs fractal techniques to animate no fewer than 256 dots
in a seriesXX of 3D-like patterns. This part would be great, in fact, combi
ned with the colourXX cycling of part 1 . Despite theXY impressive coding undoub
tedly behind the one effect on offer here, this can't. 77%YY9. If you're goin
g to try and market a part on one technique, and that seems to be theYX general
idea here, you'd better make pretty sure it's a(hardly a CPU-intensive task).
It's pretty good as it stands, withXX a simple software scroll and recycled mu
sic, but it saddens me to see all thisXB programming effort put in for a les
s-than-classic part. 86%BY4. Rainbow scrolls, from Synt N o.XX But he's pushi
ng his luck in this part, which combines some flying -IpM- sprites andXY a diago
nal raster to no great effect. Very cool digidrums, but that's about it. 82%YY1
4. Face Hugger, eat your heart out. One of the few occasions - theent of th
e Glider Rider theme CanYYyou imagine it asking you three times whether you
had a green screen or a colourYmonitorY It doesn't take coding skill to tu
rn an impressive routine into a classic demo, itYYjust takes an eye for des
ig only one - whenYX real time coding really works, this improves on the 3D Vect
orballs theme by adding aXX high degree of user control, MODE 1 graphics (so
much classier), some rather funXX objects to cycle through, and an ingenio
us precalcn. Antoine and Mage, at least, have this - see theirYYsuperlat
ive Shade Bobs and Best demos respectively - but here they seem to have lost it.
YZDivine is good. It's very good at times. But The Demo still remains unchalleng
ed. CRTCZ) ulation buffer which makesXX animation super-smooth after a few s
econds. It's another "could be 100%" demo, withXX neither a scroll nor any musi
c, and that font is straight out of Cheese... but it'sXA unquestionably the bes
t 3D coding ever to hit' ' ' ' ' * 85% grrWWWrrh
the CPC. 92%A&15. Er, this one doesn't work.7 %&Y16. This is almost a c
heat part, in that it's identified by a landscape blob rather thanYX a question
mark icon in the Mario menu. Called IPM Cult, it's a rather decent pieceXX of c
oding feargive this one part the failings of the whole demo.XX It's Odiesoft'
s texture-mapped cube (second time round), and isn't it lovely TheXV CPC port
of Doom may be a long way off yet, but even so, this is some achievement.VV Why
settle for a 90% turing four-plane raster effects... and you have most probabl
y seen itXX already. I could understand all this recycling if Divine was subtit
led "The Best OfXY Odiesoft, Mage and Antoine", but as it is, it all seems like
a bit of a cop-out. 79%YY17part, though, when a few hours of extra work coupled
with theVQ efforts of a decent musician and artist would make for a 100% classic
90%QY11. This is also the intro part of the demo, which only serves to further
the impressionYX that they're scr. This one plays music and displays lyrics, wh
ich almost caused cardiac arrest on theYX part of your reviewer (busy coding the
same thing for Palatine) until I noticed thatXX the two are, in fact, completel
y unrelated. Although the multi-size text aping the barrel to fill up three
sides of a disc. It's not bad asXX an intro a well-drawn Manga-style girl is as
sembled from very low-resolution blocksXM into her full MODE 1 glory. As a stand
alone part, it fairly sucks. 69%MY12. Antoine againon offerXX here is rather imp
ressive, it's not at all related to the music. Since the latter isXX Michael Jac
kson's 'Dangerous', this is not such a bad thing, but it would seem to beX7 the
obvious thing to do. An ok part, anyway.% 80%7YIn coding , with the "first real
plasma on CPC". Just as realtime demos areYX invariably less visually impr
essive than their precalculated brethren, this can'tXX match the majesty of t
raditional plasma effects. A fun part, however, especiallyXS witerms, this i
s the best demo ever written for the CPC. To the viewer, howeverYYtechnically i
nformed, it's far from it. It's another example of Face Hugger syndromeYYther
e are plenty of good effects, but unlike The Demo, the whole is much less than
tth the music and scroll plane (and that Depeche Mode font, again)... 87%SY13.
Mage can criticise Chany and AST for unoriginal coding (or, rather, "monume
ntalYX connery" - James Bond, anyone) with demos like the superb Best in his
portfoliheYsum of its parts.Y Logon System exhibited a pride in their work w
hich no-one has equalled since. EachYYpart of The Demo (except Slash's) was a
masterpiece in itself. Can you imagine it usingYYmusic so hackneyed that it's th
e modern-day equival N le for the eventual fourth issue of BTL, we're in a
we ofYany disczine which has managed to publish five times as many issues. CPC
Challenge is aYYfanzine which has survived many changes of presentation,
name (CPCC/Xtreme/Scoop-YYXtreme/DMC), ahe same text is laid out well and displa
yed very quickly, the menu is easy to use,YYand the two pieces of music are spl
endid Frequency productions. Disc fanzines are oftenYYcriticised for slow loadin
g times, especially when you have to keep reloading thnd even editor's pseud
onym (Omegasoft, Hypnomega, and now seeminglyYYHypnom) to reach issue 20 of
what has become the premier German CPC scene guide and aYYvital read if that'
s the sort of thing that lights your candle. Oo-er. I'm convincedYYe menu.YT
No such problems here if you have a 128k machine, all the text is memory-residen
t.TYCT has a good reputation on the Internet, with a well put-together home p
age and easyYYavailability via FTP sadly, this isn't reflected in the news pa
gesthat the only reason that Disc Mac and CPC Challenge amalgamated is that th
e resultingYWhybrid is abbreviated DMC, so you have to type RUN"DMC (groan) to l
oad. But no matter.WY In terms of presentation, Disc Mac Challenge can't co
mpare with the exc, which this issueYYrelate only the latest doings of that ta
lented group Systeme D (hang on...) and otherYYBritish happenings. It's a sham
e that the opportunity hasn't been taken to gather newsY0from Arkos and other
web-savvy European groups.0Y On thellence ofYYXtreme all those years ago the in
tro, for example, is a simple ghostie-and-power barsYYeffort (although the sku
lls bearing candles are amusing). On the other hand, the mainYYarticle screen
has recovered some of its past glory artice other hand, all the most impo
rtant new releases are reviewed - Divine Megademo,YYTribal Mag 7, Audio Illusion
s - and reviewed well. CT also scores highly for features,YYperhaps unusually
for a regularly released publication PC users will appreciatles scroll up
and downYYsmoothly while, above, a horizontal scroll tells you about the fan
zine. There are noYYembedded graphics, but it all looks quite nice - it's just
a shame that the text, whichYYis in a multi-coloured MODE 1 font, is frequentl
e theYYpage of emulator hints and tips and the list of e-mail addresses, wh
ile those stillYYplodding away on real CPCs will approve of Doc Bartoc's co
mprehensive hack into theYYAMSDOS workspace. If they speak German, that is.
The translation REEWV I-E WL TTBH RFEOE EDSIRSUCCZ IENHETSNUOTD M,AOGT,T OA(M
S3T REAUDS SUIS ENRI) XPEI RYEL.T PHMEOYR,P DYOEEHST TDHNAAT ACWC IW,E IA
VNEDR WNEA'CL LE WB ET ARHITD AT TLIA SFTO # p
olicy seems ratherYYbizarre while this universally relevant (and easy to transl
ate) AMSDOS article appearsYYin the author's native tongue only, a report on t
he German-only 8-Bit Net is publishedYin both languages.YThis will need to be ad
dressed b## #( part oneX8$ pppp 888888 178Cracking (unlike Tom Dean's voice)
idea. It's been about nine months since the last BTLYDonut Mag, Tribal Mag, S.E.
X. and the like arefore CPC Telegramm is accepted as the universal CPCYYnew
s sheet. But with its simple interface, web presence, and high quality of wri
ting,YVit's the closest thing to it since Amstrad Action. At a swapper near you
now. CRTCV0# pp e equally infrequent. In fact, since theYYdemise of the monthl
y Amstrad Action, there's been no easy way to keep up with theY latest new
s. Y Enter CPC Telegramm, the disczine with a very high frequency (like Tom De
an's voice).YYEdited by Gert Geni888888 0! ! ! ! ! $ 88% 81% 84%6 pp£ 6/
206Sitting here, writing an artical and Brain Blaster, CT is a 60% German/
40% English productionYYcompatible with all CPCs. As you'd expect, the lay
out of such a rapidly-producedYYmagazine isn't going to be stunning (no overs
can, no embedded graphics), but it's smartYYall t N istory'YYarticles which th
emselves were copied from Amstrad Action, but they make for anYinterest
ing half-hour's read for anyone without 'net access.Y As usual, though, it's th
e 'scene' articles which make CPC Challenge what it is.YYSeverhe standard
issue articles will mean little to theYnon-initiate - party reports, vanity i
nterviews - in the same way that much of BTL 3Wapparently went over the head
of Eliot, prime mover chez Digital Press. Fair enough.WY But the news and real
of the latest demos, utilities and fanzines are reviewed, offering a lazy way t
oYYkeep up with all the goings-on in Europe with this in mind, why (for the fir
st time inYYyears) is there no news page Many of the more interesting reviews ar
e in German,views will appeal to everyone. Billions of fanzines, demos andY
Yutilities receive the once-over, with a cosmopolitan selection mixing Bonsoir L
a PlaneteYwith WACCI and Otto. The news section is similarly well-informed (
a Bulgarian codinggroup sadly,YYbut the English-speaking reader can still find o
ut Hypnom's opinions on Fluff, S.E.X. 2,YHFres Fighter II Turbo, and the Epsilon
(Dark Age) and Ablaze megademos.HY Once again, this all adds up to a decent is
sue of a classic fanzine. It's a shame 'Swhat it says here), containing some ve
ry interesting snippets - like the rumourYthat the GPA's Cuddly Demo will finall
y be released, four years on. There are previews,YYtoo, of a more variable qual
ity do we really want to know about some chap's fothatYYits potential isn't quit
e realised, that a little more attention hasn't been paid toYYpresentation,
that some potentially interesting articles are inaccessible to all butYYGerm
an readers. I suppose that this is the price you pay for the farthcomingY"BAS
IC demo No, Keith, we do not."YTechie stuff is a bit hit-and-miss, too I doub
t many people are in the market forYYintroductory BASIC and Z80 courses th
ese days. Rainbird's advanced coding page isYexcellent, though, describinnzi
ne appearing soYYfrequently, and CPC Challenge's essential character would be d
estroyed if a new one wasYYonly released every 18 months - so we'll put up wi
th it in return for remaining well-Y7informed. Here's to a further 20 issues!& C
uchulainn7g how to code shade bobs Shurely "Shade bbos" - DoctorFegg via an
explanation of the EXX opcode. The "net" article is poo - Fidonet's onlyYabou
t 10 years out of date... - but the test of Stream 2 is of newsstand quality in
itsYYthoroughne0# pp 888888 0! ! ! ! ! $ 75% 70% 74%%$ 3%YForemost amon
g the long list of Europeanss. One final touch is a comprehensive list of CPC
users' addresses, althoughYLI should perhaps point out that I do not live in Fra
nk Neatherway's shed.LY The code's reasonably whizzy, especially the power met
ers, let down only by the veryYYbasic tex fanzines with boring names is Digit
al Press,YYwhich has come a long way since its German-language beginnings to
become a lavishly-Yproduced trilingual publication spanning four disc sides.Y
Ok, "trilingual" is perhaps pushing it. Although the y too dense to read eas
ily (put blankYlines between paragraphs!).YThe articles are roughly 50/50 Engli
sh/German, a welcome improvement on past issues,YYalthough this has largely b
een achieved by filching several tons of text from KevinYYThackintroductory
does allow you toYYselect from French, English, and German, the majority of th
e articles are English-only.YYWhich is fine as far as we're concerned, although
it does make you wonder why it needsYYtwo whole discs for 25 articles. Perhap
s ier's Internet site (including a description of how to copy 8k sector
s whichYYshouldn't really have been on the 'net in the first place... oops). Sai
d articles aren'tYYexactly essential, consisting of some classic game revie
ws and some 'CPC Ht's the music - 25 tunes, mostly enjoyableYTlistening alth
ough Poum's ancient Equinoxe effort is a bit hackneyed. Visca POUM!TY In terms
of content, this is a "szene-zine", if you'll pardon the expression, and aYYp
retty fine one at that. Some of t N rs".Y The only good bit is Brian Watson'
s Protext column. The rest of the magazine, though,YYis just space-fillers tedi
ous PD and book library listings, a factually incorrectYYarticle on PD cop
yright, farewell messages from ex-UAUG officers (no scYIextending it to four ma
kes reading and swapping unnecessarily difficult.I& Apart from that, top marks.
7 CRTC&0# pp 888888 0! ! ! ! longer relevant inYYMartyn Sherwood's bald new wo
rld), generic (read boring) computing features about theYYdesigner of the Inte
l 4004 chip and so on, four pages of a shit BASIC type-in, and aY(very out o
f date list of CPC suppliers.(Y Despite the 1! $ 76% 90% 87%'PgxxWWWxxxWWWx
xxWWWxxh 6-bit equipment used, the layout is
little better (do the page numbersYreally have to be that big). But what rea
lly sticks in the craw is Martyn Sherwood'sYattitude. He's only too keen to lo
rd it over WACCI and his Spectrum enemies - whichY FSOERN IRZENVAIFE WR!U OW
YE SPUR ODMNIESSE INFW OYDO UU'ORYE KNRAASMT YO TA BTOOUNT NO T, LBLYE WM U.C
LHT.B # ## #( part twoX# pppYwould be acceptable if CPC
User were any good. Since it isn't, he just comes out lookingYZlike an irritatin
g little fuckwit with a hair problem. What a bag of shite. CuchulainnZ1" 8888
88 1! ! !p June 1997YWhat a bag of shite. CRTC sent me this one to compare ag
ainst John Bowley's "New WACCI"YYand Dave Stitson's CPC SouthWest, but I'm
not going to demean those two fineYEpublications by reviewing them in the
same co ! ! $ 37% 07% 00%9# pppp Backlash9YIn a departure from the norm, t
his issue's Backlash is actually devoted to attacking anYKinaccurate account of
another publicntext as this wankzine.EY CPC User is possibly the worst pape
r fanzine I've ever read, and I was a CPCYYUndercover subscriber. Where t
o start - the abysmal content, the shitty layout, theYLirritating style We'
ll try the CPC content after ation - CPC User's "news" about WACCI.KY Here's so
me sample bollocks. "Paul Dwerryhouse took on the job as Wacci editor,Yde
spite having to find 27 pages of articles after Phillip sic walked off with the
oneshe had!" Paul Dwerryhouse did nall, it won't take long.L Every CPC-related
page written by Martyn Sherwood and chums mentions Spectrums. ThereYis a "revie
w" of the Freddy Drive, which in fact tells you piss all about it outside aYYd
escription of the power supply, the fact it hasot take on the "job" of editor.
He edited the one issue,Y112, to give John Bowley time to get up to speed - as
stated in issue 112 itself. CRTCYOedited issue 111, but no-one suggested that h
e had taken on the job of editor.OY 27 pages Hardly. Issue a side switch, and
the observation thatYYyou can use it on a Spectrum +3. There are some shit hardw
are tips, which are completelyYYclueless about ParaDOS (I mean, it's only the b
iggest thing to hit the CPC in the pastYYfew years) and tell you that a CPC112
held 22 pages of articles (the others were the variousYYforms of cover, edit
orial and letters), five of which had been specially commissionedYYfor that i
ssue ahead of time. And had Philip walked off with any of them Not at all heYsen
t them al printer cable is identical to that on a Spectrum +3.YYThere is some n
ews about WACCI, which is wrong, about CP/M's copyright, which isYYmisle
ading, and about some squeaky's 8-Bit Alliance user group, which is "aimed at b
othYCPC and Spectrum uset display single-colour MODE 1 text, no graphics, no b
old or italics, and noYYscrolling. Article selection is easy, with the proviso
that there are far too many discYYswaps. The amount of text on offer could e
asily be fit onto two sides of a di N eld), a few bits of news, a re
view of Digital Orgasm, andYYpredictable but nonetheless spot-on opinion ab
out supporting CPC programmers andYYservices. The code is a similarly curio
us amalgam of BASIC and machine code, slightlyYYbuggy and But they sent us a
copy of their Code of Practice anyway, which made interestingY3reading. Esp
ecially the first section on accuracy3Y i) Newspapers and periodicals should tak
e care not to publish inaccurate, misleadingY or distorted material to Paul.4 A
part from that, Martyn, you're absolutely right.4YIt gets better. "Now we hear t
hat Mr Dwerryhouse has also left Wacci - only this timeYYthe members FORCED h
im out - or so we're told." A handy disclaimer on the end in no wayYYdisguisesl
.Z ii) Whenever it is recognised that a significant statement or distorted
report hasZM been published, it should be corrected promptly and with due promin
ence.M iii) An apology should be published whenever appropriate.YThe CPC User r
eport another load of crap. Whether PFD resigned of his own accord, or
wasYeffectively forced out by the massed ranks of comp.sys.amstrad.8bit con
tributors, isYopen to debate. But one thing is certain none of those participa
ting in the "Let about WACCI was evidently inaccurate. So come on Martyn, you wo
rk byY6the PCC when it suits you why not when you ought to6Y The Martyn Sherwoo
d-Andy Davies escapade concerns us not one jot. What does concern usYYis that Ma
rtyn comes along to the CPC, s getYit together" debate were WACCIites, save Mat
thew Philips.Y Merline wrote to Martyn pointing out that he was talking s
hit. His evasive replyYYincluded the nugget that his evidence was "confirmed by
issues of WACCI" - tricky, givenYthat June' acts like a total tit, and expect
s us all toYYrespect him. We have one short message for him . And when you'
ve got there,Yfuck off some more.A Loki& Y"Withdrawn" by its creator, The Assas
sin, Backstabber s CPC User was released before the issue of WACCI which
proclaimed PFD'sYresignation, and that no issue has even suggested that Phil
ip DiRichleau walked awayYYwith 27 pages of articles. He also claimed that Ph
ilip's behaviour "was not befit is the compact rumourzine whichYYcomes on the fl
ipside of a demo featuring Peter Curgenven's house and someone widdling.Y.This
is the more normal of the two. Slightly..Y Its main content is a series of pot
ted biographies of heroes and zeroes of the tingYYsomeone who represents a cl
ub", which is odd, because Philip doesn't represent WACCI atYPall. As WACCI 113
clearly states, he writes on an independent, freelance basis.PYBut we've saved
the best until last. Martyn says he was working in accoCPCYYscene, written
in an irreverent but good-natured style (Philip DiRichleau "A very niceYYlong-
haired hippy type person... whose enthusiasm sometimes drops himself in the shit
").YYThe description of Hangman is so glowing that you'd have thought Peterdan
ce withYY"guidelines as laid down by the Press Complaints Commission" - a body
which he seems toYYlike quoting at people, probably hoping it will scare the sh
it out of them. We spoke toYYlegal eagle and general brainy bastard Brian Watson
. He laugher Curgenven wroteYYit, something which the ripped off code content m
ight also suggest - but no, we have itYYon good authority that The Assassin is
in fact someone else. The version we received hasYYallegedly been toned down fro
m the original, which prodd when we told him MartynY(Sherwood was quoting the
PCC to people.(Y So we decided to contact the PCC to see exactly what th
ey had to say. Over theYYtelephone the bloke said that the only people that
came under the PCC wing were thoseYthat conuces the curious situation of aYYfanz
ine called Backstabber which is generally nice to people. Except David Cro
okesY(cackle, cackle).Y Other contents include helpful tips on deprotecting
BASIC loaders (nicely presentedYYwith a background starfitributed financially to
wards it. This does not include CPC User. Other aspectsYtaken into considerati
on are alliances with trade organisations (nope... don't thinkYOso), and the
professionalism of the magazine. Which knocks CPC User right out.OY N whic
h are shaping up to be an entertaining (and entertaininglyYKpartial) summary
of WACCI's recent troubles, the UAUG relaunch, and so on.KY A disc fanzine with
equal appeal to WACCI members and BTL types, ATM has the potentialYYto be a mus
t-read for you thought the synthesiser figure heraldedYYanother peaceful bit,
the drums go all tribal, and the pipes return with a seriouslyYYaggressive
techno bassline underneath. I'll stop here, because it might get a bit tooYQm
uch for some people when thboth the DIY enthusiast and the conniving CPC politi
co. The firstY-issue is expected in a month or two.0 CRTC-klash is actue bhangra
-like Indian samples cut in over the top...QY There's a track with a Glaswegian
reciting poetry in Latin, another which ends with 10YYminutes of 'trickling str
eam' noise, and some French bloke shouting "Attention!" a lot.YYUnderpinning al
l this D LBUUOYH SI NUCOLYU DSED CC ORMEMHOTNO ARCTHNYO)S,R EFTOALWK(' NE'UH
GENLOLT ST O'RNIIELSL E(TC H,A)RSLUAOTIARNASV)(, UMB L(AA PSHEEMXA JT W
DI ND)R,A HNCEIWR (IRFE-MI)H, NAI WSHEIRSUKTYN EKVIDSAS . .A.N)DY,T FO
IFN ECLOGUOROSHES,( with the exceptions of the pictorial "knights of h
onour", not too hotYYgraphically. It does the job, though, and is amusin
g at times. I mean, thoseY7illustrations of Hangman and Merline are far too
slim.7Y There's not a lot of point a ADHD OECHKT LRIEVTET AIBN -C O!N
ECSERRAT ." " # sponsored by RokTVX$% £ ££$YThis issue, BTL is vaguely asham
ed to present an eclectic collection of CD rewarding ratings to a fanzine
which none of you will everYread (hell, there's not a lot of point reviewing it,
but we can). Suffice it to say thatJit's a damn shame Backstabber will never be
finished. Or will it CRTCJ4! 888888views -YYranging from shouty fat bastard in
die to Goth metal and hardcore techno. So there'sYYreally only one way to st
art them off, and that's with an album of techno HighlandYpiping. Of cours
e.Y I'd heard very good things about this one - exclusive preview4YA new Engl
ish disczine which does exactly what it says on the tin, as the man on theYY
Ronseal advert would say. ATM stands for Amstrad Technical Mag, and unsurprisin
gly, theYYdisc is full of Amstrad technical info. We've indeed, I tried to bu
y it in EdinburghYYlast September, but it had sold out within two days. So, arm
ed with the latest issue ofYYFolk Roots (shite magazine, I know, but it's the
only one available - at the moment),YYoff I trundled to Rutland's only only
had a partial preview of the firstYYissue, but it's chock-a-block with illustra
ted hardware projects third drive switch,YYABBA switch, Plus widget, DMP2000 e
xpanded printer buffer, 32k ROM switch, and an 8-bitYYprinter port. Devised and
engine CD shop, Ron's Rock'n'Rollin' Records. What recordYYlabel is it on s
ays Ron. Hold on, I'll just look, says Charley. Ah yes, EclecticYRecords.
Ahem.Y To be honest, there isn't any other way to describe a track like
'3 Sheeps 2 TheYYWinered by Nigel 'Freddy' Callcutt (see the Freddy DriveYYre
view in this issue), they're all technically faultless and easy to follow - a
nd wayYGbeyond anything offered by current fanzines, whether on paper or disc.GY
Joining Nigel on the ATM team is d'. Picture the scene ambient wind atmosph
eres and a soft, imaginative percussionYYloop merge with a beautiful, slow fid
dle melody, with some nicely understated electricYYbass in the background. T
hen the fiddle stops, and there's an equallythe ever-controversial WACCI
refugee Roy Everett. AsYYfeatures writer, Roy's ability to come up with ori
ginal ideas - a summary of DESYYreleases, a CPC magazine retrospective - ou
tweighs the occasional inaccuracy. He alsoYYwrites the news pages, charmingYsyn
thesiser melody. So far, so Pure Moods. But then a fairly violent break
beat subverts the bassYfrequencies, followed by some bloody raucous (well-pl
ayed, true, but raucous) bagpipesYYover the top. Of course. And just when N
myYIreason (excuse) for purchase Aaargh! A Goff! Kill! - CRTC. MerlineI) ' '
' ' ' * 60% (90% if you cut the crap)" " 8x88888pe it was very difficul
t to tell whereYYone "song" ended and another one begins. The overriding th
eme was one of a load ofYYstrange noises repeated ad nauseum and I don't know a
bout you and by all means call me aYYtraditionalist, but I like a song 8p8888 8
88888 YMy favourite Carter album for the simple fact that this is the one
with the classicYYtrack "The Only Living Boy in New Cross", a brilliant theme
tune for the 1990s. OtherYY to have a tune, some meaning and to actually g
oYYsomewhere, musically. Fortunately, the only place I can see this album going
is the bin.YA complete and utter waste of ferrous particles.! Hangman) ' ' ' ite
ms of brilliance include a version of "The Impossible Dream", first seen i
n theYYmusical "The man from La Mancha", the story of Don Quixote. Carter execu
te it superbly.YY"Do Re Me, So Far So Good" is a great tune in the classic Cart
er style and ' ' * 00%H I should like to thank Nicholas Campbell, who sent me t
he very highHG quality cassette that this very low quality album was recorded on
.G3 Type O Negative3YI discovered Negativ"Suppose YouYYGave a Funeral and Nobo
dy Came" deals with an oft occurring Carter theme, personalitiesY&cashing in on
misery.8 Jack Hughes&) ' ' ' ' ' * 91%5! e whilst they were doing a
Halloween (sorry, they're American soYYit's "Holloween") concert for MTV. The b
and are all big with very long, very dark hairYY- as you would expect. I thoug
ht the songs I heard were haunting and stirring, so I wentYDout anis a set of
genuine Scottish and Irish folk melodies playedYYseriously well on pipes an
d fiddle - oh yeah, and sampler - by this Martyn BennettYYbloke, who also
wrote the non-trad stuff, produced the album, and saved the Forth BridgeYYfrom c
old bought Bloody Kisses, though this isn't their latest album.DY A wide range
of instruments and styles are incorporated into the songs, and this isYYwell
executed and cleverly woven. It includes the playing of a wind instrum
entYYbackwards odlapsing (probably). Definitely the most eclectic album of 96 v
ery possibly oneYof the best.H CRTC) ' ' ' ' ' * 94%' ££YIt's bloody typ
ical isn't dly, it works just as well either way. The lead singer has a ver
y deepYYvoice. When his singing is the focal point, his voice is throaty with
out being husky,YYit's eerie, and it's highly emotive - not to mention deeply s
exy and, if listened to inYit I mean you get this nice new album to review and
then itYYall goes horribly wrong. I placed the tape of Panasonic into my stereo
and pressed Play.YYSuddenly all I can hear is this strange, er, crackling, sc
reeching, rustling noise. ItYJsounded as iAthe right mood, also threatening and
frightening simultaneously.AY But half the CD is trash. Songs that repeat "Ki
ll all the white people" and "We hateYYeveryone" are too much like White Zombie
for me and therefore, I feel, a waste of space.YYClever lyf a large tomcat was b
eing dragged backwards through a hedge.JY Time to take the deck to be fixed tho
ught I. So anyway, I took it back to Dixons, whoYYsent it to Mastercare (a cond
om and a screwdriver - if they can't fix it, they fuckY'it!). Four werics a
re an attribute of the better efforts, notably on 'Christian Woman',YY'Blac
k' and 'Summer Breeze' best played loud in a room where the only light is th
atYYfrom candles. It's great for creating that spooky, Gothic atmosphere,
which waseks later, it comes back.'Y I get it home, wire it all back up and
play that tape again. Exactly the same! ItYYturns out that this Panasonic is
ambient techno, which I believe is Latin for utterYYfucking crap. As I fast-
forwarded through the ta N ' * 85%E £ EYNot just a description of Wild
Thang after a night on the Malibu, this is an album ofYYB-sides from Carter's
many single and 12" releases of the for a whole month, you can keep on usi
ng themY.for ages - as long as they don't get stamped..$ £ YDon't subtly go t
o the shitter just before the ticket inspector comes through. They knowYYabout t
his one and always watch fpast seven or so years. AsYYyou'd imagine there are
a lot of songs here that wouldn't fit on an album. However,YYtracks such as
"Re-Educating Rita" and "Watching the Big Apple Turn Over" deserve prideY"of p
lace on a "Best Of..." album."Y I wouldn't or the 'engaged' light in the c
arriage - and youYYthought that the lights were there to save you a long walk
to an engaged bog. Keep theYJdoor unlocked, and the cunts will push it open and
catch you in mid-dump.JY Don't pretend to be asleep. Tickerecommend this as yo
ur first taste of Carter, but if you've tried it andYYliked it, this makes a
worthy addition to your collection of clever, quirky post-punkYplatters that
Carter USM produce so well.$ Jack Hughes) ' t inspectors are sadistic bastar
ds and will takeY great delight in waking you up. & YBut although inspectors
are sadistic bastards, they are also fairly stupid. DoctorYYFegg's Second
Principle of Outright Theft is' ' ' ' * 75%( CD $$$ rk( that you
are intelligent the ticketYYinspectors are not. (This is a good reason why
Peter Curgenven should not attempt toYfiddle train tickets.)Y So if you can h
elp it, don't get your ticket stamped. This way, you will be able toYYreuse t
heEC OYLROEGVI CSAIL LGYG ECFO NRSOCTICOOUDS ELV AARNTY WOHTE RSEE SEUXFCEERP T
D NBAY FA CNTI, .DTORCOTPOSRN AFRETG GC ITLRBIUEPS A,NLDL AJ UTSAT LSETVAAY
RST IONT TTHOEN LO CSAILH)( ATLELS SDUAGY DDNOAW NGIONRGF OARDB AC OEOHPTE R
F.O BSUTTN INPO T same ticket time and time again, and should the worst happen
and an inspectorYYhappen, you'll avoid a Penalty Fare. The easiest way to avoi
d your ticket being stampedYYis just not to volunteer it when the inspector ask
s for "Tickets, please". Don't batE CTIHNEOSPS ISBIL YH CTIHHEW W,OERLSAT TBOE
BEBRA FAR I.ENNADM OOFT DNOWCOTNOKR RFEEVGEG HA DE HA TGAOHOTD DPEIMNITA
LOCF ETCHNEO QUEESNNTOLCY SAADWM IDTNTAE D, TIONBTBOA TRHOEF MEEMNOTHA LLL
LYE BUENUSLTBA BELHET. £5YAn album of two almost distinct styles. Some of
the more balladic tunes such as "SuicideYYIsn't Painless" and "Spoilsports Perso
nality of the Year" are in sharp contrast to theYYusual balls-to-the-wall Cart
er s Xs pp 88p £ 888888sDon't get caught.Y Sometimes, you'ltyle.
But there's plenty of that too, with "MiddayYYCrisis" and the anti-heroin
track "Lean on Me, I Won't Fall Over". Other standout tracksYYare the brutal, y
et melodic "Sing Fat Lady, Sing" and "Travis" which is based on MartinYYScorces
e's film "Tl have to pay a 10 Penalty Fare if you're found without a ticket.
YYTrain inspectors think these are great, since they get 50p commission from ea
ch one. AtYYbest, you'll have to buy a full-fare single ticket - no che
ap returns, railcardY%reduaxi Driver" which was shown recently on TV. In al
l, something forYYeveryone, all wrapped up in Carter's unique style of bass
rhythms and super cleverYlyrics.F Jack Hughes) ' ' ' ' ctions or nice thi
ngs like that.%Y So if you need to have a ticket, make sure you have one. Thi
s may seem to go againstYYthe principle of fiddling the train companies. Wrong.
Since many tickets (basically, theYYreturn halves of return tickets) are valid
N irst Class, who neverYY fiddle their tickets. And they deserve it. Anyway,
they only 'earned' all their cashYY through exploiting the workers, so yo
u're actually making society fairer andYY redistributing wealth by not
paying for your , for example).YYInspectors' minds, which aren't very big to
begin with, get numbed after seeing 5,000YYlittle pieces of orange card in a
day. Chances are they won't actually notice that aYYReading-Leatherhead retu
rn dated 02 Aug 94 isn't actual tickets. Amazingly, none of theYY socia
list pioneers noticed this one, which means that Doctor Fegg is actually a
Y( greater political thinker than Marx.(W5. Have you seen the price of a South
ampton-Birmingham return recently Doctor FeggWly valid for travel betweenY&Inv
erness and Newcastle in July 1997.&Y If all else fails, you could try twatting
the inspector, although this only works ifYYyou were planning to get off at th
e next station anyway. This is not particularly legal,Ybut it's incredibly thera
peutic. According to Danny Heatley.B BYDoctor Fegg is currently arranging
a break-in at Birmingham New Street station to stealYYa supply of unused littl
e orange tickS IS LMIYCNEO,D UAENSDP RSU'MMOOUTR E LAPROEE PQ UTEAUHITN
GT IU PS ATHO HATT TTSOU JH IOMD. ' '' 'XKThi
s issue, the editor of No-Nuts Mets. He will then feed them through his DMP2000
andYYprint faked details on them every time he wants to take a train journey. T
his makes theYYDMP2000 an instrument of forgery, which is great, because i
t means that under theYYCopyright and Patents Aag, Tom Dean, steps into the lim
elight.Kc888888 How did you come up with the name "Donut Mag" and "Donut System
"cb888888 Well, I'm a doughnut pusher, so the progression was a natural one fo
r me.b8ct of 1990, Amstrad are liable to prosecution for selling it.YVConseq
uently you manage to piss off train companies and Alan Sugar in one fell swoop.V
8 £ £ 8Y1. You are registering your protest a88888 Why did you start Donu
t Magk888888 Well, after I had that argument with Exclamation Mark we decided
that Impact! waskV no longer a good idea. So I started Donut Mag out of spite t
o that silly bitch andV7 also so Igainst the exploitative capitalist fascist ju
ntaYY which runs this country (also known as New Labour) and their tacit sup
port for railY privatisation.Y2. Stagecoach, who "run" South West Trains, are
a bunch of cunts and basically deserveY# to could fuck other people out of
the szene.7t888888 So your last girlfriend was Exclamation Mark. That's a
strange name, if I mayt say so.k888888 Yeah well so's DiRichleau but we neve
r complained. That go bust as soon as possible.#Y3. You are registering a prote
st against the lack of government subsidy given to theYY railways in compa
rison with the roads. Roads are shit. Bulldozing the countryside andYY putting
tarmac all over it is evil. Far anYIeyelid, look into the distance, and cha
nces are you'll get away with it.IY This doesn't always work get on a train at
its starting station, for example, and allYYtickets will be demanded. You can of
ten avoid this by getting a connecting service t better to build sensible
things thereY6 breweries, pubs, Alcoholics Anonymous clinics etc.6Y4. The more
people who don't pay, the more money the train companies lose. They have toYY
get it back somehow, so the burden falls on the yuppies in FoYYthe first s
top, and just buying a (cheap) ticket between the two. But if the worst comesYYt
o the worst and you get asked for a ticket, don't worry. Brazenly produce th
e wrongYYticket from your wallet (an old one which has already been stamp
ed N French frogging bastardkV ripped us to pieces in WACCI. Do you know what
the true acronym of WACCI is "WhatVV A Completely Cack Idea". We didn't deserve
that slagging off you know, we have aV1 very important role in the CPC world t
oday...13him. His voice could break and he may even grow some pubic hair.Y We
would also like to point out that despite being nutless, Tom Dean has never had
anyYYform of sex with anyone. Let alone mutual wanking sessions with other mem
bers of DonutYSystem.888888 What's that then3k888888 I'm starting a new fanzi
ne with Bubble, new member of Donut System. It's going tok be called Bubble an
d Squeak. m888888 You've worked with Otto as well, even Certainly not!b! 88888
8 88888888888£888888bYYes, direct from the vaults of Irritatingly Superior Softw
are, we bring you Speech! (TomYYDean Edition) - never before released. Type t
hough it's co-edited by Jonty Jones.mk888888 Yeah, I told Nich C that he shoul
d dump that immature fuckwit who can't spell andkV thinks he's really important
in the scene today. But then he said "To be sure, soV/ you don't want to in
this listing and your computer willYemulate Tom Dean's voice.#10 'Tom Dean Emu
lator (c) BTL 1997#20 SOUND 1,10,1000,15YAlternatively, just hit yourself in t
he bollocks 20,000 times with a rather largeYFpickaxe. I thang ewe. Merline
write for Otto any more"/H888888 What started your argument with JontyHk888888
You know he's got 27 kids He tried to get some of them enrolled in Donut Syst
em.kV I mean, fucking cheek, they're only three a, The Equalizor, Doctor Fegg
and WulfF+5line, The Equalizor, Doctor Fegg and Wulf nd their voice is so hig
h you can'tV understand a word they say.'888888 Ahem.'k888888 At least you ca
n make out that mine is high-pitched English, not fucking Geordie.kM And you ha
ve to be at least five aGU IETHATR ISSIT EACNIDP SB AYNDJROA-L FI NSE' CCTE
RICL INDIH RBEAYNADL,P TH E. KOCTOHDEDRA HM EEMHBTE RRSE GAGRUEB PISC
EY,D RUANEDBE R,PEACNITPSS SHPSILCEEW,A KCAR(T CE)C.I PTSH EYYT RAIRDE DANNA
INFE YALSLSAONROTIMTEPNETC XOEF nd three quarters to join Donut System.M
A888888 We liked your intro for Otto 4.Ak888888 I'm coding a new demo, too.
It has a scrolling message and a pair of bouncingk3 balls. It's called the "
Wishful Thinki RYR,O SM U,SSIRCUIEATNASM,A ANNEDK NYUORUD YROOUFR MWEE
HDTD IENRGI HN ODWL U(OOHRS, EMMB EIRC,C AYWO UAR EFRUAN EUROAYL )F.I ! !
) an exclusive fanzine-within-a-fanzine)XB# ng" demo.3I888888 Who do you want
to be when you grow upIU888888 Hairy. Oh, sorry, that's what I want to be whe
n I grow up.UY888888 But are you, in fact, a reincarnation of James Hockn £ 888
888BYGood. You're obviously the kind of ignorant badly educated fuckwit that do
esn't do whatYthey're told.Y If you have a deep and burning interest in frogs
pawn then you're a dirty pervert andY$weyYa888888 No - even his voice has brok
en by now. Ooops, what a giveaway. Bollocks.aN888888 Yes, you could do with som
e of them as well.N) # shurely some-peel - Hangman#YDue to our care have no time
for you whatsoever.$Y If you voted Tory then we hope that one day you will bur
n in FLAMES and experience theYYsame soul-destroying torture that you yourself h
ave inflicted on the masses of this fairY6innocent country. You evil-minded self
ising, considerate and generous nature, the staff at BTL would like to openYYan
appeal for Tom Dean. We would therefore urge any readers with spare bollocks
to getYYin touch. Tom is critically nut-less and a decent pair of conkers wo
uld be great forY N y I made cause to vommittYYright copiously upon him. He ra
ined down a shower of blows upon my aching head andYdismissed me.Wednesday
YYe curse of ye turnippe tender is upon me once more - I have ye piles. Unable t
o sit andYhold a quill any lo so, I can tell you.Y And if you want a really ri
veting read, why not go and browse around some of theYYmedical books in goo
d old Heffers the friendly booksellers. Margery, I said to theYYdelightful
woman working at the long wooden desk, nger.FridayYWe have a new Brother am
ong us. This Brother John is a right remarkable fellow. He isYYboth bilious a
nd bald and have the manners of ye small pigglettes. He doth both expelYMwind
and belche most mightily at the dinner table causingh scrote you.6Y If you are
a raving communist then you're very very boring and we don't really haveYtha
t much time for you either.X If you are a right-thinking hard-working serious-m
inded member of the community, WHYXY Please turn to the back page us deep amuse
ment.MSaturdayYRose earlie again today in order to torment Brother Aidan who is
under a vow of extremeYYdiscomfort. Visited him in his foul pit of slime, pau
sing a while to pour ye roten vegYYand ye excrement upon him. He stinketh r if
you want to read advertisements for livestock. Aha.YYGot you. Mavis! It's ano
ther one of those nasty perverts. There weren't really any dirtyYPadverts for de
sperately oversexed farmyard fetishists. BUT YOU LOOKED! Oh, yes.P Well, we're
weeding theight evilly. Was overcome by ye nausea of theY$bowel and became sic
kened upon him.$SundayYI shall never consume a drop of ye bere again not so long
as I live no never no not evenYYif I reach the age of fifty-five. My head f
eeleth as though a mm out now, aren't we. Jolly good. See you later... Simon
Clegnutt our glorious editor " YThis week are able to publish exclusive
extracts from the diary of a monk at theYYmonastery of St Cedric the an hat
h drilled deepYYinto it with a Cattle Prod. My limbs are wont to drop from me an
d leave me and my visionYYis poor. Would that I were dead or insensible, like
Brothers James and Thomas who wereYYfound supine in the Cloister, muttering dark
words andCrapulous. This ancient and venerable institution stood onYYthe sit
e presently occupied by St Catherine's College, Cambridge. The diary purports t
oYbe written by a Brother Edwin. Monday ye 27th Februarie 1203 YRose earlie toda
y to tend ye turnips threatening to bring a curse uponYYthe house of Whitbread.
Kicked James in the head and I did laugh most heartily at hisY evil and malod
orous appearance. MondayYA plague and a dropsie on my mule. As I rode by the
river bank it stopped sharply and ye marrowes. Was unable to attend Matins due
toYYye large festeringe sore on ye side of my face. A thousand curses and ill
wishes uponYYthe Ratte Man in the Market Square that have sold me such an
evil dish last night.YYBrothers Patrick and DandY6hurled me into a trough of mu
d. Devil take the beast!6%$ £%% with the Reverend Arnold de Meuve%NWell, it's t
ime again for a round-up of all the top totty out on the street.NY Best place
for getting an eyeful aniel taunted me in a ribald fashion, exclaiming "Edwin, t
hou hastYYconsumed too much of ye dreadful bere in the Publick House". I di
d abuse them rightYYpowerfully, going so far as to hurle ye turnips at thei
r ugly visages. They left inYhaste.at the moment is in the Public Library. I w
as thereYYmyself, actually, yesterday, just having a bit of a nose round, you
understand, when IYYnoticed a woman with the most astonishing pair of breasts.
Like ripe melons they were.YYAnd when I dropped my Tuesday YSlept like a small
childe last night. Slept in fact until the hour of 3 in the afternoonYYwhen I wa
s summoned by the Abbutt (Butty we call him), who enquired as to my state ofY
Yminde. He could however go no further in his enquiries as sadl books accident
ally I couldn't help noticing that there was theYYmost arousing little ring o
f fat poking out over the tops of her shoes inside those oh-YYso-teasingly sens
uous old lady's tights. I had to go and sit in the toilet for a goodYhour or
N EX PLLAOUIXTESS ASR'EY EWLEKLCLU BK NBOOWRNCO MCMPUCN IETHYT, TAUSO HHGEU
OWRAHST ORF AD EPKENRIILO DY LWLIATCHI TANNAGMEOLRADI RPIICLHILHEPA UL ICTA
NMUE -A LKOONOGC HE RF FFOE EATL.E GWNHAI CTHP,E WGSI VDENNA Y LQLUAIETRE SI
IM P,REEZSISSI VREE.of soda is to relieve any stomach pains that eating this oth
erwise excellentYdish can cause.C Outraged reader's voice "But where are the tu
rnips and swedes"C* SURPRISE! There aren't any. What a mug.*+! 888888 pp£+YH
' ' ( part oneXYIt's pretty certain that most programmers
will have heard the word "sex" somewhere -YYsuch as oou will need1 pound of
best fillet steak#3-4 best British overripe tomatoes#G1-2 sacks of manure. (Hor
se is preferable, but cow will do at a pinch)GSeasoningsWhat to doYThrow away th
e steak. (Ha! You weren't expecting a quality recipe, wn the Internet - an
d would like some explanation. It should be noted thatYY(apart from Mr Richa
rd Wildey) I am the most sexually experienced programmer in theYYcountry, h
aving written a number of software simulations and owning a collection ere
you) Then.YYstuff the tomatoes with the manure and throw them away as well.
Now, go out into theYYcountry, plant some genuine tomato seed and wait for
a couple of years. When theY1tomatoes are overripe, repeat the above process.
1B Yet anoshow me something I haven't seenYYbefore. Ooh, Reverend, she said,
I couldn't possibly. But eventually the charming womanYYshowed me exactly what
I was looking for. I would not have believed that so muchYYinnocent merr
iment could be extracted frther outraged reader "But how do I replace the manure
"B Yes.r vv £ 888888 £ £rYou will need,1 jar of each of the above mentioned f
ruits,Y1 Roundpom a book entitled Intensive Prostate Therapy,YYbut oh boy was
I wrong. I felt quite out of breath for several hours when I read theYBdescr
iption of the Flange-Wickerton thrusting exercises. Oh, God.BSadly this is the l
ast we shall hear from pound's DIY Flan Case/Meringue/Semidetached cottage on
the outskirts of BracknellY Caster sugar What to doYTip all of the cans of frui
t into a large saucepan. Heat vigorously (or viciously if youYYhappen to be a py
romaniac or want to test your houseoor Arnold for some time, as he has beende
tained at Her Majesty's pleasure for various unfortunate indiscretions invol
ving apound of lard, a cheesegrater and a young goose. We wish him all the bes
t with his newministry. insurance policy) and keep heatingYYuntil all the fruit
s seem to have blended together nicely. Add sugar, then keep heatingYYuntil the
mixture goes nicely golden brownish at the edges. Keep heating until theY
Ymixture catches fire. Extinguish the f 8 888888£ £ 8You will need 4 aubergin
es 2 large onions)1 oz butter/margarine/lard/beef dripping)SaltBicarbonate of so
daWhat to doYSlice off the tops of the aubergines, aire (whoops, we forgot to
say that you will needYYa fire extinguisher), and then hurl the concoction to
the floor in disgust at your ownYYineptitude. Scrape up the mess (it will have
set by the next morning) using the flanYcase. Eat.C Lardy Spicend dice the
onions. Fry the onions, using theYYbutter/margarine. Remove the insides of the
aubergines using a large knife or, whenYYavailable, a petrol driven chainsa
w. Carefully fill the aubergines with the onions, andYYthen simmer gently over
a USAGE $$$ r##ce AGE $$$ r3#low flame for 4-5 hours. When you have simmered g
ently over aYYlow flame for several hours, you may find that your clothes are sl
ightly singed, but tryYYsimmering the aubergines anyway. Salt to your taste,
and then serve piping hot. TheYYbicarbonate N trained to spot programming t
ypes - even German ones that can hold conversationsY about drugs. Avoid. (2/5
)b3. . Girls go to pubs, but very rarely alone. If you spot a vulnerable-l
ookingbY girlie sitting alone at a table in a hy at the same time. This is a
fiveY star pussy palace. (5/5)t8. 88p . Every morning doctors are full of y
oung mothers, pushing 12-wheeltY buggies containing sick children. The idea o
f children may worpub, think before you act. Is there some blokeYY with he
r, who, let's face it, will beat the living shit out of you Why not sit at aYY
table near hers, from where you can get a clear view of her and stare
at herYY unblinkingly for at leasry you, but it veryYY rarely worries the g
irls enough to stop their drug-taking and abuse of the socialYY welfare sy
stem - so why should it bother you Very few are still with their kiddies'YY f
ather, and all have their own council mansion. Mentt an hour. If she is still
there after this time, you canY- make your move (see next section). (3/5)-b4
. . Now this is a very bad move. Every person within a department or company
hasbY either met or heard something about everyoion that you're from the DSS,
andYY you'll probably have had a shag before the lift gets to the 23rd floor
. Excellent ifY' you don't mind blotchy legs. (4/5)'b9. pp. It is a well known
fact that Christian girls are up for it. That ne else, and since you are
a programmerYV this is unlikely to have been good. Avoid like an unstructured
nested loop. (1/5)Vb5. 888888£. This is by far the easiest and therefore the
worst. Let's just explainbY that not even a normis, oncebY you've married
them and bought a Volvo. Avoid, since all CofE marriages now include aY" 'no s
wallow' agreement. (3/5)"M10 £ . Let's face it, probably your best bet. (4/5)M
% vv£ YOnce youal good-looking guy can get a girl on a bus or a train.Y
Y Infuriatingly there is plenty of eye contact, but this will never ever lead
anywhere.YY I should also explain that a girl in a short skirt sitting opposit
e you on a bus doesYY not conofYsexually oriented magazine titles like PC Worl
d & What PC.Y Long greasy hair, spots and general ugliness form the stereotyp
ical view people haveYYtowards computer coders, and in trying to break this i
dea I will not in this articleYYmention yourstitute a loving boy/girl relation
ship, even if she's reading Lord of TheY" Rings (oo-er). Ignore. (3/5)"X B
ut if you are tempted to try, note that CrossCountry Trains have the highes
tXZ proportion of under-26s on their routes. Which hair, spots, T-shirts or
hideous appearance. Instead I will concentrate onYYhow you too, like me, can br
eak from the confines of being asexual into the realms ofY6merely having talk
ed to a member of the opposite sex.6YGirls are strange. Not just a l is presuma
bly why they've just beenZ( renamed Virgin CrossCountry - CRTC(k6. pp. Clubs
such as these sound perfect, but they are not legally allowed tokY tell you t
hat only old people can join. Unless you want to buy ittle, but a whole lot.
Really very strange indeed. SoYSfirstly, let's cover the area of where girls go
and how you can also go there too.Sk1. 888888 88888££. Yes, there are girls on
the Internet, and normally they are there forkY your girlfriend boiledY7 sw
eets and Oil Of Ulay for Christmas, avoid. (2/5)7k7. £. This I admit sounds li
ke an unlikely place for meeting women, butkY weirdly, the front seating are
as of cop shops are the perfect pone particular reason. Where else do ugly, miss
hapen girls get the chance to take theY piss out of blokes This place should b
e avoided. (1/5)b2. . These are havens for girls, but they are not for progra
mmers. All bouncersbY are lace. People generallyYY dislike the police, and "
fucking pigs" is an excellent way of opening a conversation.YY It also gives y
ou a reason to boast about why you're there, which can be used to makeYY you l
ook wealthy and anarchic and engender sympat N unlike normal life,YYwith a cha
t-up a sarcastic response means "No", while something crap normally means "Ok,YY
buy me a drink". Therefore the next line should always be "Can I buy you a dri
nk". IfYYthe response is positive, then all well and good - assue same way you r
ehearsed them in your head. Remember, the moreYYyou have to drink, the more l
ikely you will talk bollocks. Here's a few classicY examples. Q1. Intended
"If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me"QE Actuming
you are somewhere drinks areYYavailable. If she says yes to a drink and you are
at a doctor's surgery, then likelihoodYYis that she's on day release from a me
ntal institution. This, unless you are desperate,Y9is a good time to make excuse
s and leave.al "If you had my beautiful body, would I hold it for me"EM2. Inte
nded "What's a beautiful thing like you doing in a place like this"MG Actual
"This is a really nice place - what are you doing in it"GYThe best way to get a
round this is to rec$ (continued)9 r!! good time to make excuses and leave.
(contord the line onto tape and play it back throughYYa personal stereo.
This has a number of advantages, although attaching the headphones toYYher must
be carried out subtly. The benefits are firstly that you can turn up the bass
YYso you sound more manly, aCECSUSS WLIATNHE MWOONMEEHNP CSA'NB OBRE EEHRCF
USLI HD EOMTE ANNWOOUDR TAUNPD . THNOIWOEPVWEERI,V RCOIBT SIISM IVTEPROY
KEI LANTU L-E AGSNTI NTRWEOC SBITDL LLA HRSE MOAHIWN SNRAOMTEULBEISRST
N(OMCR RIICDH LPE ARUM) ,D NHAE YDEIDDL INnd secondly that you can pretend to
be a ventriloquist. Also,YYif the line doesn't have the desired effect, you c
an also claim that you never said itYY- and technically, you will be legally
correct. However, the knee which she's justYYrammed into yWO TR COSTE BS TE
AHDTI ULML UBPA ROMTA IYDR.T ' ' ( part twoX# vv£ £ Y"We are
doing very welour ball-sack area is politically correct, and you will pay a q
uick visitYto the floor area.Y There is, contrary to popular belief, no such
thing as a perfect chat-up line. EachYYmust be carefully crafted to pander to
her vanity, wit, sense ol. We've been chatting for ages now, nearly five m
inutes, and sheY seems really interested in me." Y This is great, but there are
some very common errors that programmers always make whenYYthey reach this stag
e. First, never mention your new demo. And sf humour, and otherYYemotional thin
gs blokes don't have. A line must be both funny but yet obvious, since sheYYmigh
t be thick - let's face it, the chances of you randomly approaching a girl who
hasYMany idea about algebra, vectors and trigonometry are ab have a girl trappe
d in a situation from which she cannot escape, you must nowYYwow them with a c
hat-up line. You may be thinking that this is an outmoded cliche, butYeverythi
ng to do with sex is cliched so just get used to it.Y Picking the line is out a
s great as Hull.MY My personal favourite is "Excuse me, Miss, but you seem
to have given me a stiffy.YYWould you mind giving me a hand to get rid of it". T
his line is about as certain as youYYcan get, and only on one occasion has it no
t worked very important, and it is generally best to connect it to theY+cu
rrent situation. Here are some examples.+Y1. "Has anyone ever told you that
you have lovely eyes" (Perfect if you're anY optician.)B2. "Have you bee
n here long" (Great for me - from which the doctor saysYI will soon recover.# vv
£ £ YLet's assume you've done the improbable and got past the opening line wi
thout messingYYyourself, and that the girl's reply was not very sarcastic. Weird
ly, for railway platform staff.)BY3. "You've got a really nice smile." (Suitab
le if you're a judge in a 'Miss Smiley'Y competition.)YThere are a number o
f pitfalls to watch for when delivering chat-up lines, since theyYYvery rarel
y come out in th N , which leads to your Dad saying "WhyYYdon't you get yourse
lf a nice little girlfriend". Catch-22 stuff, and to be avoided atYall costs.Y
Instead, try something like "I've just flown back from Addis Ababa for my p
arents'YRfuneral, and have found m and as with every learner, you should start
at theYYbottom and work your way up. Don't try anything too fancy until you kn
ow exactly whereYYthe target area is, and remember, films lie. It has to b
e placed in, it never justYslides.b1. y penthouse has been burnt out. Let's go t
o your place!"RY Outside her place she will normally respond with three comm
on phrases, depending onYFthe situation and various regional differences. These
invariably areFY1. "Would you like to come up for a £ definitely the best for t
he beginner. Just let her climb on and enjoy theb9 ride, even if it doesn't la
st long. Brilliant. (5/5)9b2. £ probably the most common, since it involves
no real movement from thebY woman. I coffee" This means "Would you like to com
e in for aY shag" L2. "Would you like a shag" Meaning you get a shag, but pos
sibly no coffee.LY3. "Thanks for seeing me home." Meaning no shag, but thank
you for wasting a lot ofY money on me.H(Up n other words, you roll on her.
This leaves you completely in the drivingYY seat, and also means that your
programmers' stick-like arms are going to have toYY hold yourself above h
er for the duration - which can be anything between two and 1North you can rep
lace the word "coffee" with "bitter" or "haggis".)HYHey, you're there. Things th
at should be up are up. Things that should be down are down,YYand everything els
e is lying on the floor. All right, so you might be naked, and let'sYYface 5YY
seconds. If you can't do a press-up don't attempt this, but even if you do
collapseYY on her, God has been kind and supplied her with natural ai
r-bags. Great butY knackering. (2/5)b3. great if you want to be in conit it
probably doesn't look that good but since she's gone this far, it would showYYhe
r to be a pretty poor judge if she didn't go through with it. So here we are re
ady toYbegin.( YThis is really important, if a little dull butrol, and gives yo
u the ability to have a checkbY to see where it's going before you put it i
n without her seeing your puzzled look.YY This can be useful since most girls
have forests, rather than the sparse woodlandsYY normally seen in the magt
unfortunately, most girlies will expectYYit before you're allowed to do anything
better. It is, however, very simple, involvingYYjust a finger, hand or even t
he mouthy/chin area. Just aim whatever bit you have decidedYYon towards an area
of hair, and ts and films. It is not unknown for a guy to try to hump aYY
belly-button, and with the doggie this is very difficult if not impossible. You
stillY" have to do some moving. (4/5)"b4. these are invariably variations o
n the ahen revolve it round in a clockwise direction. This isYYa bit like whisk
ing an egg or a fake cream product like Dream Topping, although doing itYYfast w
ill often result in burning. Repeat for twenty minutes or until told to stop. So
meYYblokes will say howbove three with legs and armsbY in differing positions,
but they normally result in some sort of cramp. Avoid unlessY ordered. (1/5)
% 888888 YSo here I finish probably the most in-depth look into sex for the u
ninitiated. I much they enjoy this, but anyone with a decent sense of smell, o
r aYYdislike for sea-food, should do as little of it as possible. Note that the
worse you doYYit, the quicker she'll want you to stop. Probably better to do i
t badly and get on withY the gecond, remember Mum andYYDad are waiting at home,
ever alert to give a warm welcome. Your Dad saying "I neverYYthought he'd g
et himself a nice little girlfriend like you!", is the effectiveYYequiv
alent of "Bye, nice to never have known you!"oodies. % 888888 £YHere we go, her
e we go, here we go! But let nobody tell you it's simple, even if thereYYare f
ewer decent sexual positions than a Z80 has registers. Choosing a position is
oneYYof the most important things you do, N px 00hopeYYyou will now have ga
ined the necessary social skills, and overcome that shyness that hasYYrestricted
you to Kleenex and an X-Files video for the past three years. So why not goYY
out and grab yourself a piece of pussy After all, you'll never learn p0 8 8" h
ow to hate a girlY&until you've given one a good lovin'.&Y I acknowledge the ad
vice that has been given to me for this article by Richard Wildey.YWMr Wildey is
the author of a number of books about advanced group and anal sex in C++.WM Rob
Buckley0a,00w hH aAA Qp 80 ' a 0p!777h8q 9 //ppp 1C xxPqp0Ow%% D!H D
p 8"H$$ 8oa0!cax A yA p8 B!!B! H AC# N ! An example of Jonty's excellent g
raphics, drawn using Advanced Art Crayon.cs, drawn id it to mee the
other day and I thort it was aS type of animal.Y3.30pm Just time to jot dow
n a kwik letter to nicolas camball about how good I thinkY Otto is.G4.00pm T
ime for tee. Fish fingers, Alfabetty Spageti and Wofferls. GY5.REO MR HYEMUISNS
GI CTOXLEUNM NGINSITMSO.C NLOY SJ'UESHT -T HNIARETDE EMNO!T WI LSLIYH
' S- OTUNTE BF OFRO RNEWNOTL!C HE -L IEVSEUSO HIYNW WAE WHDO ULSUEA!P A
KTE SE HI T- USPA ATHH EL EAARHSCEI!M AS 'CEOHM P-L ESTDEO OFWU CHKTWIIET0
0pm Ring Tom Deen up. God I reely hate him. I bet if I ever met him he's ste
el myYU marbles or somefink Too late - Hangman. He makes me unhappy coz he's si
xteenU( and has an IQ 54 times what mine is.(Y6.00pm Time for bed. But not bef
ore xPO/! Yes, with practice, you tooplugging in my neon nitlite and getting
my hotY water bottle.,7.00pm God0! I REARLLY hate Tom Dean. I,S meen rearly
hate not just not like I just hate him. He's just soS clever ! B
8.00pm Deside to scribble on my wall I!! could get as much nookie as! Richard
Wildey (pictured with Jennie Dwewwyhouse).ennie Dwewwyhouse). hate tom de
en 500 times.B09.00pm Have I menchoned I don't like Tom dEAn010.00pm ZzZzZz&
£YWe regret to announce that sad bastard Peter "Plagiarist" Curgenven has
stolen thisYYarticle and subsequently cop ASNA HI QS ETNHOAJT YMTANKOEJS
LNOEOVKN EIGNRTUECL LRIEGTEENPT ! E EE
EX58.00am Get woken yrighted it. It is believed that Curgenven (34 - and t
hat'sYjust his IQ) will attempt to sue anyone who tries to use it.YNext week Pet
er tries to copyright the letter "A" and then sue everyone in the world.YJHe's
almost intelligent enough to be relaup by my Mickee Mouse alarm clock5Y8.20am
Put my Power Rangers Jim Jams on and go downstairs. Mummy has made me boyled
Y! eggs with soldiers, my favrit!Y8.30am Swich my CPC on. rite an article
for ottow about my day at the playgroopY ted to inept wanker Phil Craven.JLP
.S. My spellchecker shat itself when I typed this in! Colin MatthewsL& x A& B$FF
yesterday B9.00am Rite a letter to nIcolas Cambell about how good ottO i
s.BY9.40am Rite anuther letter to nIcolas Cambell about how good oTto is. I u
sed to writeYS a fanzine but I had to stop 'cos fraser the skool bullee stowl m
i craons and IS 0A& !p 0hx A"& ' & cried. Y10.00am Deside to
watch my Postman Pat videows, numebrs 1-4665. The thing thatYS impresse
s me most about Pat is them stories. They even make my fanzine articlesS" look c
omplecks in comparisern."P2.00pm Rite an article about hB D"& & &Lxow I man
aged to tie both my shoolases yesterdayPY3.00pm Ring Adam Shade up. I really l
ik Adam, as his inglish is really good and so farYS hees tort me lots of noo wor
ds like cat and dog, althow we're a bit stuck withSS what a "twat" is. Someone
sa N crosses to bear. At least itY4means you don't get Richard Wildey chattin
g you up.4Y Hey Richard mate. Cool. How's the Malibu Like, right, yeah, cool.
Yeah, man, you'reYYbeautiful too. The world's beautiful. No, look man, I've g
ot these funky dreads,an, you can keep like, the keyboard thing, yeah. Hey, a
nyone got aYscrewdriver, then Oh, you're not up for that. No shit, 'scool.7 Jus
t you could make this really cool bong out of it.7Y Wooaah. Who's this mother A
ngela Cook, yeah Man. No, like, I mate,YYbut just 'cause - right - just 'cause
I've got long hair doesn't mean I'm a piece ofYYtotty. Yeah. No, it's cool. '
Scool. But you want to watch it, like, 'cause you couldYYstart thinking "Hey
, yeah, it's got a high voice, I'll chat it up".'ve not been on no dodgyYYshit,
no Like, bit of dope, bit of dope, nothing I can't handle. Not like no cakes
orYYnothing. Hey, cool, yeah, you doing anything with those old AAs No 'Sjust li
ke I couldYYreally do with rolling meself another spliff. Yeah And next thing, o
k,Yyou're going out with Tom Dean. So yeah, just like, yeah.Y Hey, Simon Yeah Y
ou off for a burger I'm like really starving. Yeah, I'll have theYYchilli dog.
And cheese. And mayo. And ketchup. You reckon they've got some chips Co, cool,
sure, you want to sell them, IYcan handle that. No shit.8 Can I have one of you
r Merline-Serve catalogues then8 Cool.UHey...! Peter man! Yeah, cool, cool. It'
s, like, this business, right And it'sUYfockin. Ha ha. Hahahahahahahahahaol.Y
YI'm so fucking starving. Hey, chill. Cool. I'll pay you back. Cool. Yeah, I'll
have hotYdog too, rightYMan, that's one fucker of a burger. Woah. You doing any
thing with that carton No Cool,YYyeah, when you've finished. It's just like, yo
u coK! " " He smokes a lot of dope.XIn the first of a new series,
our roving marijuana-meister Brian Pope takes in thedelights of the WACCI Co
nvention. Although Brian Pope is a duld make a really good bong out ofYth
at.Y Clive... man... yeah, long time no see. Cool. Remember the All Formats
Fairs HappyYYdays, man, happy days. You got your Forth compiler working yet
Hey, like, no shit,YYcool, yeah, take it easy. Relaxevotee of "recreationalsubs
tances", we would like to point out that any similarity between him and Simon 'R
atz'%Matthews is entirely coincidental.%YHey man, like, it's a football stadium
. That's wild. Hey, see them goal posts Yeah.Y5Yeah. Yo, man. Like, what's t
hat Coke, right You couldn't chopYNme out a line, right, for a mate Oh, yeah, su
re, cool. Diet Coke. I get you.NY Yeah... PC software. Market domination. Mic
rosoft. Stifling innovation. Cool. KarlYYMarx. Proletariat. Dominoes.u could m
ake a really good bong out of them.5Y Cool. Like, I come into the room, yeah A
nd I can feel the WACCI vibe already. Hey,YYlike, relaxed. Cool. Shit, hey,
hey, look at this, right Advanced metal sculptureYYthing. Gotta be a Damien
Hirst Yeah. Chairman Mao. Armed revolution. Alan Tilling's BASICYXcourse. Like,
heavy shit, man. Hey... yeah... yeah. hey man, you're cool, yeahXYLike, amb
ient. Sorta soporific type thing, really sleepy. You could, like, hire yourselfY
Yout, chill out . Bet you. Gotta be. Hey, like, this yours Bet it costYYyou a
bit. Damien Hirst, right, man No Rachel Whiteread Oh, like, it's your zimmer
Y frame Yeah. Cool. No, no hass. Y Hey, it's a babe! Cool, yeah, how's it hang
in'. All right. Yeah. Shit rooms, that sort of thing Calms you down, gets you dr
owsy, yeah kid HeyYYman, no shit, like, don't take it personal, I'm not tryin
g to be rude. Don't get yourYkettle stitch knotted... hey, chill... Clive... Cli
ve... Christ. J Freaky shit, man. man, calm down.YYI mean, no hass, you dig M
an, the babe's a bit aggravated. Hey, like stay cool, yeahYYYeah Yeah, sure, I
mean.. you might be Philip DiRichleau's girlfriend but you don'tYYneed to f
reak out, like... man. I mean, we've all got our'Snot like I called him a bori
ng bastard or anything.JYHey, anyone using that CPC You're coding BTL on it, ri
ght Oh. Like, anyone using thatYYone over there then Cool. It's Peter Campbell'
s You reckon he'll mind if I use itYYJust the monitor, m N
M pp£ Y Cor blimey guv have I got a nice little earner for myself. Adver
tise disc drives atYY eighty quid a throw, cash the cheques and... don't
send out any disc drives!YY Marvellous idea. Oh yeah, and then shESOND' TE
HG I-V EG GAE FS MREOGT.C OHDE GGE. DHEEL'ISO BGDORTA HA AW OSOTDAEEN ST
YIMC SMIE GE.F IHWE SLIIHK E.SG ETLO SNE'OTD NEEHE D. GTEOK BAE GK.N IHRI
DS FE GRGO T(CAONDD SSIO EOMNA)N. 1 ove loads of comments in y
our press ads about howYY other companies' ads are misleading and how their
disc drives are inferior. ThenYY suddenly decide to hand over a disc drive
when lots of heavy people arrive on yourYY doorstep. Hint if you ...11
...1XYWe know that the CPC is in decline. But do you remember the glory days W
e thought we'dYYgo on a power, sorry, nostalgia trip and ask what happened
to all these illustriousYYstasee a car with a gangly carrot-top hanging out o
f the windowYY operating the windscreen wipers by hand, which then procee
ds to explode to theYN accompaniment of "Oh Jesus fucking Christ" in a Mancun
ian accent, run away.N £rs of the CPC. Just ask, mind you, because we don't
really give a toss what hasYactually happened to them.C £ £ CY CRTC's favouri
te person. This was the first time that someone trieY Hello, my name is Stef
an, I can't program, I can't draw, I've no musical talent (aaah,YY the extra no
te at the end of the Addams Family tune - how we laughed), I can't writeYY de
cent articles, in fact all I do is mouth off for a wanky fanzind to "fuck an S
TSYY person out of the szene", as these young whippersnappers say, and look
where he isY now. Oops. Latest reports suggest that Alan is working for a bi
g City firm. - CRTC5 Yes, we always suspected he was a merchant banker.5e every
few months.YY Which gives me the right to be an Industry (sorry, Szene) Guru
and for my opinions toY/ be taken note of all over Europe. Of course./M £ 88p£
or whatever his name wasMY Co-editor of Am vv vvY Another of CRTC's PD librar
y chums, this one was responsible for introducing filesYY like C10CPM3.EMS
and PIP.COM to an awaiting PD world. To include non-PD programs inYY your li
bhaha. Like, that's the funniest thing... yeah...YYbusiness... hahaha... fo
ckin'. FOCKin'... man, you crack me up. Hey, yeah, what'sYthat ComSoft ROM-bo
ard No shit. I mean, man, look at that. You could make this reallycool bong out
of thrary and change the credits to say "I wrote this, honest" may be seen as
badYY luck. For the AA PD writer at the time to mention this might be unfort
unate. But (onYY receiving a "reprieve") to go and do the same thing again,
repeatedly, is not veat.) Hey, right, that's Brian Watson, yeah) Maaan.( I'l
l have some of whatever he's on...(F( snC/FF( sFF( ryY clever. # ££#J Rememb
er the Bitmap Vandals demo Yep Remember the Bitmap Lamers demoJ# #Y Cor blime
y guv have I got a nice little earner for you guv etc. etc. (contd. page 94).YYF
F( FF( xpFF( yw Responsible for the "A-Spel" spelling checker. Adom didn't
believe the spellingYY checker when it told him that "various" had an "o" in
it, so he added his spellings toYM the user dictionary. Now running East Londo
n Satellitts plc no really guv.FF( F# It's good to toke! !N!!!! !!!!!!!!!!! !!u
ded Amstrad Fuckwits, CPC For Trevor, and beingYY sacked as AA PD columnist.
Endowed with an ego the size of Birmingham, Keith 'phonedYY CRTC one evening
and spent two hours (international 'phone rates) describing his ownYY extreme
intelligence -nd is then surprised when theyb don't get anything.b The dirt wh
ich forms on the unused keys on a keyboard. For example, "the Z keyb$ is comp
letely covered in diffle".$b Phrases used by a magazine reviewer wh "One thi
ng about me is that I've got a very quick mind". You'llYY need more than a very
quick mind, you'll need a fucking speedy Ferrari when we comeY over to say
hello, mate.Q pen they haven't spent any timebY looking at a piece of soft
ware. For example, "Rewarding if you persevere", or "ThisY6 game will certai
nly keep you busy for a long time!"6b A person who thinks that saying "with 40
0 pounds worth of spQY Another one sacked from AA. Basically what we're try
ing to say is... what a twat!YY Interesting fact no. 86 David Crookes's art
icles were so shit that Amstrad ActionY/ only paid him half the usual freelan
ce rate./! £oftware" makes theirb. Sinclair Spectrum worth more than a tenner..
b People who spend their lives talking on the 'phone about operating systems and
b- disc copying. For example, Richard Wilson.- The bits of spit which l !Y Her
e, Bun-buns, Bun-buns, Bun-buns... nyah-ha-ha. Insert your favourite scene f
romY "Reservoir Dogs" here.% %Y Someone phoned CRTC and asked if we'd plann
ed the whole Dwewwyhouse charadeand on a monitor. Pulling the shutters on a flo
ppy disc open and shut for no apparent reason.b The feeling you get when you r
ealise just how bad the game that you've justb bought is. b £ Normal. On th
eYY contrary. When someone's so obviously thick, all you have to do is sit ba
ck and waitY* for the inevitable nervous breakdown...* %&'! pp)$* B Last entr
y censored on grounds of extreme poor taste - CRTCBYYou couldly confined to cons
ole gamers, when they realise they've spent 50bY on a rubbish game but keep tel
ling everybody how good it is. For example, "Masters ofY Space is just brillia
nt!"£ The act of saying "Come on!" while waiting for a pro be next! Apply to S
TS, near London, enclosing fanzine and covering letterYYexplaining why we are
a bunch of lamers, etc. etc. Alternatively, write directly toYIWACCI, or p
ost your opinions on comp.sys.amstrad.8bit. Doctor FeggI of lamegram to finish l
oading.b£ The paragraph at the start of a computer mag review which the write
r uses tob- pretend that they are a proper journalist.-5£ Sound made by throwin
g a joystick.5b£ Naming your comROPU DS IT OL TPBR E,SEEUNSTS IA SNIEHWT GHIT
R,B OAP THITMIIWS TTISCI NOMUUTLLOOCO KD AHEIRS N"ALCU SUTOYY R.AEMFBILLI NNG
O" ASPT "E HATR TMIOCRLFE ST SEALLSBE"W HDENRAES 'AENR EAHR T,IECLLIEH WBNYA ET
MH A-T STAABR DD LROO BE LBBUACRKELSEIYM. strad Fun. His role was memo
rably described by Creeping Death asY9 "Writing 'Fuck' in editorial brackets
every so often".9# pp£ £!#Y We didn't do anything. Someone else beat us to it
. Probably someone asking for paymen C CC CXb Someone who c
onstantly uses the phrases 'floppy drive' and 'hard drive' as ab cotY for
eight kilos of heroin.! £!Y Oh, the fun we had. They don't have the 1471 fa
cility on international 'phone calls,Y do they Never mind. Y Keith's glorio
us writing career inclmical computer reference.L Setting up a PD library because
you have a spare afternoon.LTpp The biscuits and crisps which fall between the
gap on a keyboard.Tb Someone who orders some programs from Tony's PD, a "N" """
""" """"""""""HET FNOIO TGSNTIEWPOSL LOOFF E!VSEERYY LDR,O WB TELH TH ANSI
DRIESPCAOPVSEWREEND BOAU TN OT HGEN IIRNETHETRANLEBT TIASH TA FOITL LY ASWP
ADCOEO!G CYRLTLCA EIRS INTGN EWMIITRHE PAX EC PYCL TVNEERRSRIUOCN ) FTOO
TSREOES (I FE PWAEC SCTAENN ££ Claiming to have set up a fanzine in order to
get free software. For example,bY "I've just started a new fanzine called CPC G
rim, we already have a circulation of sixYG thousand, and I was wondering if yo
u'd send your game for a review"GO GFEOT CLIETSR AE NGTNIIRTEILRYW BFYO JTUUS
OT FFO FFRFOUMT SW EGBN ISPIPTIERS . F ' FF ' FXH
i all Someone who thinks Protext is the best word processor going.OO£ Someone wh
o is permanently saving up for a new console game.Ok£ Someone who is permanentl
y saving for a new console since "aYI'm Paul Dwewwyhouse. As a leading light
of WACCI I am perfectly placed to write theY3idiot's guide to the internet.
So here goes folks.3YFirst thing to know is that there is a wonderful syst
em called Email, also known asYYUsenet. This is a grell thek others are crap".b
£ Searching for an article that you only vaguely remember from a pile of 6
00b magazines. b888888£ The command in a program that makes the computer
hang for ten minutes, butbY doesn't appeaat way of making friends and kee
ping in touch with your fellowYYWACCI members - as long as they own a PC, but i
s there anyone left with CPCs these daysY9I ask myself I use my PC all the time
but there you go.9YThen there are the newsgroups. These r to actually do anythin
g. In Windows '95, every other command is Tindle.Yb888888 People who appear on
television news or documentaries sitting in front of abY computer. This ap
parently gives the impression to the viewer that this personare friendly pu
blic places where you can mail inYYanything you like and it will get printed fo
r everyone to see. As many people will tellYYyou, the best thing about the Int
ernet is its freedom of speech. Sadly, some peopleYYabuse this by writing t
knowsYY what they are talking about. In reality, the viewer is thinking "Look
at that rubbishY old PCW!"b888888£ A salesman from an unnamed high street stor
e who will say anything you want tobR make you buy a product. For example, "Ye
s, motally unacceptable things. I was reading the amstrad newsgroupYthe other
day and Rob Scott (yawn) used the word 'p-ss'. You can see why many concernedYp
arents restrict their children's access to the internet. I am very careful about
what IYYallow Jadam - DES is industry-standard!"Rb8 The difference in size betw
een the box that a piece of software comes in, andb3 the actual space taken
by the manuals and discs.3b A person who has always played the same game as youe
nnie to come into contact with - certainly no drunken swearing young men at
YYWACCI conventions, and I know she far prefers talking about Protext and ROMDOS
to dominoY/players in zimmer frames. But enough about me./YGosh, I'd better get
back to the , but managed to finish it inbY under an hour. They have also foun
d a great cheat which makes the game brilliant, butYY they can't remember what
it is. The correct response to this is "Have you found theYQ secret key on
the Castle level 'Cause thatsubject in hand or I might sound like I know what
I'mYtalking about.YThere is also the world wide WEB. As you can imagine the
first thing I looked for onYYthis was WACCI. We have a WEB site which includes
a really helpful Email helpline. ManyYYr bit's really easy!" Rob BuckleyQ is "Ha
ve you found the secret key on the Castle level puter, and then dropping the
name into conversations as if it'sb completely normal.F The thickness of the la
st issue of Amstrad Action.FV Putting a piece of paper in a printer, which then
winds on wonky.Vb #N#### ###### #######et and have a nervousYG breakdown w
hen everybody flames the fuck out of you two days later.GY4. You are a regular
contributor to a small, South West-based fanzine. You make aYY joystick
splitter cable, mainly because it's so easy to do and being a thief despite ove
rwhelming evidence to the contrary.Vd) Supply fuck all drives, sit around all da
y snorting cocaine and watching porn videos,Y and then piss off to Spain after
a nervous breakdown, in the guise of a travellingY minstrelespected membe
rs of WACCI such as Richard Fairhurst, Richard Wildey and Simon MatthewsYare of
fering help on CPC topics. Much better than the unhelpful BTL (yawn) WEB si
teWwhich just contains rude words such as 'w--k', 'p--', 'c-mma', '-s' and . Y2
. You run a well known Public Domain library on the Spectrum which unfortunatel
y seemsYW to have found its way to the CPC, bringing your sad, anorak views wi
th you. Do youWa) Provide the best service possible considering that there's p
reci'-'. WhatW a sad bunch. YIt is important to choose your "service provider"
carefully. Some people choose to haveYXtheir full name and organisation
name in their e-mail address, likeXYrobscotttecres.co.uk. Can you imag
ine it. Very ous little money to be made in PD.b) Write innovative programs to
put in the library and supply technical help when asked.c) Edit a small fanzine
, demonstrating your technical prowess by stating that RODOS isY the best CP
C disk operating s naff and marks you out as someone whoYYdoesn't know anythin
g about the internet. My e-mail address is dwewwypfaol.com. MuchYYeasier to r
emember and it is a pleasure to be associated with the quality image of AOLY2u
sers - or "a-ol-s", as we are system, despite the fact that you've never, ever
used itYY to any real extent and only because you had your first wet dream la
st night over theY 16 character filenames.d) Act like a sad bastard and threat
en legal action, Trading Standards and theometimes known.2YFor those who are int
erested I wrote this article on a P150, 32Mb ram PC, 28,800bpsYYmodem, writ
er IQ21, using my little finger, my second finger, my third finger and myYYf
ourth finger. I had a cup of Microsoft Tea with sugar (t police onY people who
do not conform to your one-dimensional petty views even when you've beenY#
libelling another PD librarian.#Y3. You are a well known CPC figure who is the
ex-editor of a worldwide CPC user group'sYY fanzine. The Editor decm) and Milk
95 after the secondYYparagraph. Some people like Steve Williams use an Amiga
but I still don't believe himYYabout the great WACCI crash. Still let's let byg
ones be bygones. It was good to see theYYthieving lying deceitful fraudster scu
m whoides to close it down for no discernible reason other thanY blind pan
ic. Do youa) Say that's not acceptable and that the fanzine members should be co
nsulted as well asH the committee and then mutually decide on the best course
of action.H stole all your money back in the pages ofYWACCI. But that's just
me.XN Next week, Paul Dwewwyhouse presents the guide to the Internet's idiots.N"
But that's just him.Vsents the guide to the Internet's idiots.
b) Have a good long think about the proposition and decide that maybe it'd be
best for& all if the magazine were to close.&c) Get a fucking life, spend more
time with your family and less time in front of aY computer with your co
llection QU ILZA CWIRRIOTTTEEHNR BSYI HKTE ISTAHW TH IUNOKY OWDH YT ADHOWN '
TS DYOOOUW S UW HLYL EDTO ND'NTA YNOIU EJTUISRTW THIE K E,TFCF.O, KEC
TUCF. # ## #Xof anoraks, and let others more appropriate get
on withY* the day to day running of the fanzine.*d) Take it upon yourself to m
ake all the decisions, make a complete fuckwit of yourselfY by spouting crass
bollocks about swearing on the InternY1. You are a small mail order comp
any supplying 3.5" disk drives and ABBA switches toY the CPC community. Do y
ou a) Supply all drives on time. Jb) Supply most drives on time and apologise fo
r the ones that are late.JVc) Accuse Rob Scott of $N$$$$$$$ $$$$$$ $$$$e fact v
ery well. Talk about a meeting ofY minds. Y6. You are the co-founders of a ne
w company, an offshoot of a long established and wellYY respected software ho
use. You employ one of the most talented programmers ever toYY appear on t
he CPC small (and crap) fanzine which hasn't been "alive andYP kicking"
for a while now. Rob Scott comes to visit you at Christmas. Do youPa) Have a jol
ly good time, chatting about poking games, reminiscing about the CPC and dr
inking rather , who could have made a fortune for your company, especially if
itY" ever decided to go PC. Do you"a) Set up a marketing strategy to target th
e correct potential consumer market, and then" wait for the money to roll in."
b) Plough some seriotoo muchb) Wait till Rob Scott goes home, and spread the bi
ggest load of libellous crap you canY about him, including the hideously opt
imistic "Rob Scott put his hands down myYY trousers" in a desperately sad
bid to hide your own inseus developmental cash into the fledgling projec
t, developing someY extremely good products, applying them to a buoyant and p
otentially lucrative marketY+ and then wait for the money to roll in.+c) Exami
ne the existing market for CPC products,your technical abilityYY is less tha
n zero. Someone else happens to also make a joystick splitter lead. DoY yo
ua) Accept the obvious that there's only a certain number of ways to actuall
y build a cable and leave it at that.b) Fe and decide in which ways you cou
ld5 improve on the products that already exist - NOT!5d) Piss on your (ParaDOS
) chips completely by moving house every ten seconds, closelyY followed by
angry customers, utility company debt departments, and el slightly peeved for a
couple of hours, but then decide that there's better things in life to b
e getting on with. Such as getting one.Pc) Shout blue murder and threaten the sa
id person with legal repercussions...Pd) And then steal the ideTrading Standards
YY cashing customers' cheques and not sending them the goods that they ordere
d sellingYY one customer's machine to another and then claiming Parcelforc
e had lost the saidYY machines and finally part company, each one claima fo
r a 6k copymod, invented and copyrighted by Rob Scott andY Richard Wilson fr
om STS Software, without even bothering to contact the concernedY! parties
for their permission.!Y5. You are the charismatic (yeah!) leader of a CPC Demo
Group witing the other stole his life'sY belongings.Y7. You are a complete f
uckwit with the technical ability of a small slug called Gerald.Y Are youa) P
eter Curgenvenb) Paul Dwerryhousec) Martyn Sherwoodd) All of the aboveY8. Comph
little or no artisticYR talent, and you decide to release your first demo, ent
itled "Demoware" Do youRa) Recruit a respected CPC graphics artist into your g
roup and start coding in earnest! for your stunning production.!b) Acquire a
modlete the surnames of these popular CPC personalities. To help you we've fill
ed inY several of the letters.a) Peter C-ntfl-psb) Lee R-ngpie--c) Martyn Sh-t
--add) Paul C-nt-ng Ars-h-leY9. You are another ex-editor of a well known ic
um of graphical artistry yourself and create sumptuous visual" masterpi
eces for your project."c) Steal all your graphics from demos on the Amiga, c
olour them in in on your greenY screen monitor despite the fact that you've b
een given worldwide Amstrad CPC users club. YouYV successfully build the memb
ership up to over 700. Your reasons for doing this areVa) Increased membership m
eans increased resources for the club, which benefits everyone.Jb) With over 700
members, the wh deliberately incorrect paletteYS translations by Richard Wild
ey just for a laugh, and pass them off as your own.Sd) And employ David Long to
code the actual demo, who in fact rips all the code fromY previous CPC dem
os, and doesn't even hide thole profile of the CPC would be raised.Jc) You are a
hard working, proud, productive individual and you take pride in this m
ammoth achievement.Cd) There'll be even more money to nick when you "resign". Oo
ops.CY10.You are the editor of a %N%%%%%%%%%% %%%%%% %ditorship as dowry.% Pa
ul's favourite film is Space Jam, starring Bugs Bunny.Y His favourite book is Wa
tership Down. Beatrix Potter's Peter Rabbit stories are alsoYA frequent visit
ors to his bedside table, along with the Prozac.AY Paul is not obses *0tNN' N$ P
eter Curgenven,! full-time arsecandle.O" Peter Curgenven,
fulsed with BTL and does not send CRTC an e-mail every time one se
ntenceY1 is added unannounced to our website news page.1Y In case there's any d
oubt, we would like to emphasise that Paul's black eye was causedY by a door. N
ot a fist.! Tricky bliGNIASTEIRO NS,I HM AGNNYI WPOELOLPOLFE PA UOLT DEWTE
UWBWIYRHTO UDSIEA'PS ERVOALHESU RSV'IIVCACLA WO VGENRI RTUHSEN EP ANSIT TH EFM
O HEANVOEN E X.PSLRAAIENYE DE VWIHFYTO DBEES OAP PGUOSO DS IT HSIINHGT.
9 ghters, these doors.!Y Paul was instrumental in setting up a smoking
room at the WACCI Convention, aYQ considerate move for those of us who disl
ike being subjected to others' smoke.QY Curiously, though, there was no "spoutin
g shite" room to all 99 9XWho is Paul Dwewwyhouse This controversial
character recently sprang from nowhere toYend up nowhere as the person who is
no longer treasurer of WACCI. His abieviate people's allergy toY power-mad WAC
CI treasurers.Y Paul's musical tastes are varied, ranging from Black Sabbath (P
aranoid) via Green DayYY (Basket Case) and the O'Jays (Backstabbers) to the
Pet Shop Boys (Being Boring). HeY7 also enjoys anylities do notYYinclude progra
mming, writing, or magazine layout. It is his diplomacy and tact whichY'have
got him where he is today. Wales.'Y Paul Dwewwyhouse is the only ex-WACCI e
ditor not to have got a life and foundY/ something better curities because
you wereY9 worried about "being fucked out of the scene by STS".9c) And in a
rather deserving twist, your beautiful girlfriend leaves you for your best m
ate! Hahah!+d) Hahahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahaha!+( to do on quitting the pos
t./* Dwewwyhouse is not Paul's real surname.*Y In fact, it's Drearyhouse. Paul c
hanged it to try for a place in the Edward WoodwardYH joke, but sadly, Paul W
ewwyhouse is not quite as funny as Ewarwoowoo.HY His spell checker '£Questions 1
to 6Y...were trick questions, which do in fact have 2 correct answers. These ar
e (c) and (d).Y Question 7 What do you think Question 8 )a) Peter C-ntfl-ps Pete
r Can't Flips)$b) Lee R-ngpie-- Lee Rang Piezo$(I-Spell' was actually meant t
o be called 'I-Spell-About-As-Badly-YK As-Adam-Shade-Does', but this wouldn't f
it into an 8-character filename.KS Paul's black eye at the last WACCI Convention
was caused by walking into a door.S No, really.Y When CRTC c) Martyn Sh-t--ad M
artyn Shot Load(2d) Paul C-nt-ng Ars-h-le Paul Cunting Arsehole2 Question 9 4Yo
u are Steve Williams and I claim my ten pounds.4Question 10THaha! Hahahahaha! H
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Hahahahahahahahabecame WACCI letters editor,
Paul commended him for "finding a worthwhileY job at last".Y This is because
CRTC had not spent the last four years writing shit spell-checkers andY) stuffi
ng boring fanzines in envelopes.)Y WACCI is packed in plain brhahahaha-TJhahahah
ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! (contd. p94) HangmanJN' P DNN' a A
!p .8H NN' own envelopes so that readers' wives need not know aboutY+ the '
special interest' of their husband.++ Paul honestly did just walk into a door.+Y
Paul is so keen that his daughter Jennie is married off to Wild Thang that he
offeredY% him the WACCI eC"Q$JE£!"NN' DB" NN' l *+NN' ro &N&& &&&&&&&&&&&
&&&&( ww !V"s CRTC U( ww !V"s CRTC e'''''' $$" hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh00EekkkEkekkEekk
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hhhhhh$$"hhhhhhhhhhhh $$"*00%0%PB0PD0EPI0JLPE0EPE0qN0Ph0JIGEDBDPh 8124*(!64*(!2/
*(!14hhhhhhhhhh thing by Eddie Rabbitt or Jive Bunny.7, Paul is not ashamed of
his role in WACCI.,. In fact, you could say he's a proud member.. It was actual
ly a door, and not a case of someone giving Paul a well-deserved. twat
ting, or anything./ Docto r Fegg, Loki.P.S. We lied about the door.ki
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